insert clever and witty title here
by PearlGirl
Summary: It's FINALLY HERE! The long awaited SEQUEL to 'Read This or Else' cowritten by Alania & Pearlgirl! What will happen when the Enterprise returns to Baltan V? More clones, more Doctor Death, more insanity!
1. Doctor Death's New Evil Plot

Disclaimer: We don't own Star Trek. We do own Doctor Death, and PearlGirl owns Snodgrass.  
  
Alania: Look! Look! It's here!!!! The sequel to 'Read This or Else'!  
  
PearlGirl: If you haven't read 'Read This or Else', you should before you read this. You can find it from Alania's account.  
  
Alania: Yes, I know. It's taken us long enough already. So let's get started!  
  
**Chapter One: Doctor Death's New Evil Plot  
**  
Narrator: We are in a gloomy, underground cavern, with lights flickering on the walls. There is an evil person in the shadows, bent on the destruction of one man, and one man alone. He has been working for weeks, perfecting his experiments. His name is......   
  
(insert evil-sounding thunder and lightning)  
  
Narrator: DOCTOR DEATH!!!  
  
Doctor Death: Muahaha- (cough, cough) Ugh. My maniacal laugh isn't what it used to be. I'm getting old! Not really. Actually, I'm just two months older than last time. I need Evilaid! Get me Evilaid. (pause) NOW!!  
  
UBP (unidentified backstage person): Get this! Do that! Oh, of course, master Death, whatever you say.   
  
Narrator: UBP comes back with a bottle that says: Evilaid. "Want to sound as evil as Dr. Frankenstein? Drink Evilaid! The real mad scientist drink!"  
  
Doctor Death: (takes a huge drink) Ahh! That hit the spot! This is the best drink invented.  
  
Scotty's voice (from backstage): Not as good as me Scotch!  
  
Doctor Death: MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I want to kill KIRK!!  
  
Narrator: (rolls eyes) That's original.  
  
Doctor Death: I have been plotting and planning for.... how long?  
  
UBP: Two months, I think. Give or take a day.  
  
Doctor Death: Yeah. Two months, and I have made the perfect machine!! I have overcome my..... technical difficulties from last story, and this time I will not fail!  
  
My plan is to...  
  
UBP: Commercial break! I always wanted to say that.  
  
Doctor Death: (clears throat) My plan is to ...  
  
Kirk's voice: Is this idiot's scene over yet?  
  
Doctor Death: Ahem! My plan is to...  
  
Narrator: Will you hurry up and finish?  
  
Doctor Death: MY PLAN IS TO..  
  
Yoda: (comes onstage) Beware the Dark Side.  
  
Doctor Death: ARRGH!! BE QUIET!!   
  
Yoda: Patience you must have. (leaves)  
  
Doctor Death: My plan is to- (pauses, looks around, lowers voice) clone the authors! Don't tell them. They haven't figured it out.  
  
(snickers are heard from outside the plot line)  
  
Doctor Death: I will use their mindless clones to control the script! And the ENTIRE PLOT!! Kirk is as good as dead! BUAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
(evil music plays)  
  
Narrator: Now we switch to the Enterprise.  
  
(happy, bouncey music plays)  
  
(the Enterprise is shown zooming around in front of a background of stars, making "zoom" noises every time it gets near the camera, despite the fact that  
  
there is no air in space and therefore no sound)  
  
Kirk's voice (from offstage): Space: the final frontier! These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise, the best starship in the cosmos! Its five-year mission: to  
  
explore strange new worlds, many of which have Roman Numerals in their names-  
  
Uhura's voice: Don't talk to me about Roman Numerals!  
  
Kirk's voice: -to seek out new life, much of which is humanoid, and new civilizations; to boldly go where no starship has ever gone before!!  
  
Narrator: The scene changes. We are now looking at the bridge of the Enterprise. All normal bridge crew are present.  
  
Uhura: Have you changed your opening speech, Captain?  
  
Kirk: Yes, I was getting bored with it. I decided to spice it up a little.  
  
Narrator: The doors open and McCoy walks in.  
  
Kirk: What is it, Bones?  
  
McCoy: I sensed that a plot was about to form.  
  
Uhura: There's a distress signal coming in, Captain.  
  
Kirk: (to McCoy) Wow, you're psychic.  
  
McCoy: It's my sixth sense.  
  
Uhura: Um.... about the distress signal....  
  
Kirk: Oh, right. Where's it from?  
  
Uhura: The planet Baltan V. (starts muttering about Roman Numerals)  
  
Sulu: Isn't that the planet with the evil mad scientist who tried to clone us and create an army of mindless slaves in order to take over the universe?  
  
Kirk: Yes.  
  
Sulu: Oh. Okay.  
  
Kirk: Mr. Chekov, plot in a course for Baltan V.  
  
Chekov: Aye aye, Keptin. We will arrive in about twenty minutes.  
  
Kirk: Good. Anyone who wants to be in the landing party, be in the transporter room twenty minutes from now.  
  
Sulu: Sir, don't you worry that this could be part of some diabolical plan of Doctor Death to lure us back to Baltan V?  
  
Kirk: Of course not. What a ridiculous suggestion.  
  
(Scotty enters)  
  
Kirk: Scotty! What is it?  
  
Scotty: We're havin' a wee bit 'o trouble down in Engineering, Cap'n.  
  
Kirk: What kind of trouble?  
  
Scotty: Red-shirts, sir. We've got too many of 'em. You haven't been taking 'em down in any landing parties to be killed off lately, and we've got quite a buildup.  
  
They're starting to clog up the Jeffries tubes.  
  
Kirk: All right, we'll take a bunch down in this landing party and get rid of them.  
  
Scotty: Thank ye, Cap'n.  
  
Narrator: We are now in the transporter room. Present are Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, and a group of about ten rather confused-looking red-shirts.  
  
Kirk: All right, let's beam down. On to the transporter pads, red-shirts.  
  
One of the Red-Shirts: Where are we going? How long will be gone? Will there be danger? Are you just trying to kill us all off?  
  
Kirk: (groans) Don't tell me. It's that ensign with the impossible name.  
  
Snodgrass: Who? Me?  
  
McCoy: Yes, you.  
  
Snodgrass: Couldn't be!  
  
Sulu: Then who?  
  
Kirk: All right, let's beam down.  
  
Narrator: Spock, Chekov, Sulu, Uhura, McCoy, Kirk, Snodgrass and the nine other redshirts beam down to the planet. It's a barren waste without even any weird looking cactuses. Wait, cacti? cactus? Whatever. It has nothing of value on it.  
  
Kirk: Nothing that's dangerous for red-shirts?  
  
McCoy: Nothing illogical?  
  
Chekov: Nothing to eat? I'm hungry.  
  
Snodgrass: Nothing that's dangerous for clumsy red-shirts?  
  
Narrator: No. As I told you, nothing valuable.  
  
McCoy: Nuts.   
  
Spock: I do not believe it has nuts, or seeds of any kind, Doctor.  
  
Kirk: Now we've got to find where the distress signal was coming from.  
  
Red shirt 9: Hey! I just realized! I made it onto a planet without dying!  
  
Narrator: Just then, a rock falls down from a nearby cliff and hits the red-shirt.  
  
Red shirt 7: Nooo! Now we're jinxed!  
  
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.  
  
Kirk: One down, nine to go.  
  
Ta daaa!! Please review NOW!!! We're going to be in New Jersey for about a week, but we'll update when we can! 


	2. Random Wandering and Random Soup

**DISCLAIMER**- We don't own Star Trek. We also don't own the chicken noodle soup thing. That was stolen from Tavia. See, see! We're giving credit! No sue!  
  
Alania: Thank you Tavia for being the one and only reviewer!  
  
PearlGirl: We would have asked about borrowing the soup, but we were so busy being hot in China that we never got a chance.   
  
Alania: Yeah, so that's also our excuse for taking so long to update. First we were in New Jersey, then we were in China.  
  
PearlGirl: I get to take credit for the little opening speech thingy with Dr. Death. I like Dr. Death a ton. He's one of my favorite bad guys, excluding Khan and Stella, who is in fact a bad girl.  
  
Alania: The spicing up of the opening speech and the other lines you mentioned were both mine : ) Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter, even if nobody else reads it.  
  
**Chapter Two**: Random Wandering and Random Soup  
  
Chekov: So vhere did ze distress signal come from, anyvay?  
  
Kirk: Err... ehm...  
  
Spock: Apparently the captain forgot to check while we were on the ship.  
  
McCoy: Oh yeah? Well it doesn't look like _you _remembered either.  
  
Spock: Doctor, this is no time to be arguing.  
  
McCoy: You just don't want to admit that you forgot something.  
  
Spock: (ignoring McCoy) Perhaps we should beam up and get the coordinates.  
  
Kirk: No! I will not admit defeat! Let's see.... the last time we were here, Dr. Death said he was the only person on the planet. That means that the distress signal must have come from him.  
  
McCoy: (whistles) You figured all that out by yourself?  
  
Kirk: (glares at McCoy) I'm not stupid.  
  
McCoy: (coughs) Of course not.  
  
Kirk: So now all we have to do is find Dr. Death's lab!  
  
Chekov: How do you propose ve do zat?  
  
Kirk: Simple. We'll wander around this barren wasteland until we find it.  
  
Chekov: Vhat if ve newer find it?  
  
Kirk: (shrugs) I guess we'll just wander until we die of thirst.  
  
Chekov: (gulps) Couldn't ve just beam up to ze ship?  
  
Kirk: Never! I will never admit defeat!  
  
McCoy: You know, we _really_ must work on that ego of yours.  
  
Uhura: Hey! Where'd that ensign go?  
  
Sulu: You mean the one with the impossible name?  
  
Uhura: Yeah, he's not here.  
  
McCoy: How could he have wandered off? We're in the middle of a barren wasteland!  
  
Kirk: (hopefully) Maybe he died.  
  
Chekov: Where should we look?  
  
Spock: Last time, Captain, Dr. Death was living in a abondoned building.  
  
McCoy: I remember! We all fell through that hole.  
  
Kirk: Great work. Now we just have to find the abondoned building. Let's look.  
  
Narrator: They look. There is no building, abondoned or not. Just rocks.  
  
(pause)  
  
Red shirt 4: Where should we go?  
  
Everyone: (points different ways) That way!  
  
Kirk: I'm the captain! My amazing sense of direction tells me that we should be going east! (points)  
  
Spock: That is northwest, Captain.  
  
Kirk: I knew that.  
  
McCoy: Anyone _else _want to pick the direction?  
  
Kirk: (snorts) If you think you're so smart, why don't you?  
  
McCoy: I'm a doctor, Jim, not a pathfinder.  
  
Chekov: Let's go over to zose mountains.  
  
Uhura: I don't want to climb up mountains! My fingers will get dirty!  
  
Sulu: Well if you're going to be so picky, why don't you pick the direction we go?  
  
Uhura: Of course! The lady should _always_ get to decide where we go! Women have excellent senses of direction!  
  
Kirk: (grits teeth) Just tell us where we're going, all right?!  
  
Uhura: Of course, Captain! After all, I _am_ the only woman in the bridge crew. Having women around is essential if you ever need to find your way out of a barren wasteland. Whatever you do, don't ask a man to pick your direction. They're terrible at it!  
  
Kirk: In a minute, Uhura, you're going to wish we'd left you on the ship!!  
  
Uhura: Tsk, tsk. Men have terrible tempers, as well.  
  
(Kirk is looking as though in another minute, he's going to start smashing things. If there was anything around to smash.)  
  
Uhura: (seeing the look on his face; hastily) Of course, maybe I'd better get to the point. We'll go... uhh... that way. (points)  
  
Kirk: All right, let's go!  
  
Narrator: The group sets off in the direction Uhura indicated. They walk for about 20 minutes.  
  
Chekov: I'm hungry.  
  
Sulu: You're always hungry!  
  
McCoy: Well, too bad. What's the chance of us finding some edible food in all these millions of miles of wasteland?  
  
Narrator: Suddenly, they spot a can of soup lying on the ground, half buried in sand.  
  
McCoy: Talk about irony.  
  
Sulu: No, I think it's luck. Irony is when something bad happens.  
  
Chekov: I don't care vhat it is!   
  
Narrator: Chekov runs and picks it up. It's a can of chicken noodle soup.  
  
McCoy: Yum! I love chicken noodle soup.  
  
Kirk: So do I.  
  
Uhura: I'm not eating that! Who knows how long it's been there?  
  
Sulu: Suit yourself.  
  
Red shirt 5: More for us.  
  
Sulu: Hey, you don't get any! Only people with names.  
  
Red shirts 1-8: No fair!  
  
Snodgrass: Ha! That means I get some!  
  
Kirk: Your name is so annoying it hardly counts!  
  
Snodgrass: Nevertheless, it is a name.  
  
McCoy: That's a Spock attitude for you.  
  
Spock: Vulcans do not have "attitudes".  
  
McCoy: (grumbles) They sure don't have a lot of things. Name one thing they do have. Besides-  
  
Spock: Logic.  
  
McCoy: Logic.  
  
Uhura: (to Snodgrass) Are you sure you want any? I don't think it's a very red-shirt safe product.  
  
Snodgrass: (eyes can dubiously) Maybe you're right.  
  
Uhura: Of course I'm right.  
  
Sulu: I just want to point out something. Snodgrass isn't supposed to be here! He disappeared!  
  
McCoy: Huh?  
  
Kirk: I don't remember that.  
  
Sulu: You guys have the shortest memory spans I've ever heard of.  
  
Spock: I recall it.   
  
McCoy: Well, of course, you do! You always do!  
  
Snodgrass: Oh yeah, I'm not supposed to be here. (disappears)  
  
Kirk: Wow! I wish I could do that!  
  
Chekov: (starts laughing)  
  
Kirk: What?  
  
Chekov: Look what it says on the can.   
  
Narrator: In small print, at the bottom of the can of soup it says **WARNING:** Keep out of reach of Vulcans.  
  
McCoy: Ha! I wonder why.  
  
Spock: I would not want any. It contains meat.  
  
McCoy: Jim, can we give it to him and see what happens?  
  
Kirk: No.  
  
McCoy: Please??  
  
Spock: Doctor, I have identified a mistake in your request.  
  
McCoy: (angrily) What do you mean?  
  
Spock: Did any of you have enough remarkable foresight as to bring a can opener? If not, no one will be eating it.  
  
Red-shirt 8: I don't care! I'm hungry!   
  
Narrator: The red-shirt snatches the can away from Kirk, breaks it open, and drinks it all. A moment later, he explodes violently. When the dust settles, there is a large crater in the ground where the red-shirt was standing.  
  
Kirk: Oh no! That was a perfectly good can of soup!  
  
McCoy: (eyes crater dubiously) Somehow I get the feeling that stuff is more dangerous more red-shirts than it is for Vulcans.  
  
Kirk: (grumbling) Great. Now the rest of us will have to go hungry!  
  
Sulu: Look on the bright side, Captain.  
  
Kirk: What's the bright side?  
  
Sulu: At least that's one less red-shirt to worry about.  
  
Kirk: (brightens) I guess you're right. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's keep going!  
  
Alania: Thanks for reading, please review! 


	3. The Attack of the Gnat

**DISCLAIMER**- We don't own Star Trek, but we do own the gnat and Snodgrass, the red-shirted ensign. Actually, PearlGirl owns Snodgrass. Alania doesn't. So ha!  
  
**REVIEWER** (Just one, sniff)  
  
**Queenofinsanity**

PearlGirl: Thanks sooooo much for reviewing! You rule! I like your pen name.  
  
Alania: Thanks for being the one reviewer! Yay, we're loved!

**Chapter 3: The Attack of the Gnat**  
  
Narrator: We will now switch scenes and go to that ensign with the odd name, who you may recall wandered away from the rest some time ago and got lost. He is now wandering around a different area of wasteland, though it looks identical to the area the rest of the landing party is in.  
  
Snodgrass: Where did the others go? And how did I manage to be separated from them anyway? And what's that thing in the distance? Should I go and find out?  
  
Narrator: Who are you talking to? There's no one else around.  
  
Snodgrass: There's you.  
  
Narrator: I don't count. I'm the Narrator.  
  
Snodgrass: Aren't you always trying to convince the captain that you _do_ count?  
  
Narrator: Err.. well, I was before.. don't confuse me.  
  
Snodgrass: I'm pretty confused myself.  
  
Narrator: Where were we?  
  
Snodgrass: That thing in the distance, I think. I was asking if you knew what it was.  
  
Narrator: Oh yeah.  
  
Snodgrass: So do you know what it is?  
  
Narrator: No.  
  
Snodgrass: Oh. What do I do then?  
  
Narrator: Go find out, duh.  
  
Snodgrass: Oh. Okay. (starts walking in the direction of the thing, but then stops) What if it's something scary?  
  
Narrator: Then it will probably kill you and you won't be able to bother us any more.  
  
Snodgrass: Oh. Isn't that a bad thing?  
  
Narrator: No. Not for me anyway.  
  
Snodgrass: It doesn't seem like it would very nice for me, though. What do you think I should do?  
  
Narrator: Do us a favor and go get yourself killed.  
  
Snodgrass: All right. (sets off in the direction of the thing)  
  
Narrator: Now we go back to Spock, Kirk, McCoy, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura and the remaining 7 red-shirts.  
  
McCoy: This is stupid. If we don't find that building in 2 minutes, I'm calling Scotty!  
  
Kirk: But that's _mutiny_!  
  
McCoy: So what?  
  
Kirk: I could sue you.  
  
Chekov: But we could claim you're insane.  
  
Sulu: Or we could get McCoy to give you physicals til you go insane.  
  
Uhura: Physicals? It would only take one.  
  
McCoy: Too bad I didn't bring my (dramatic pause) _equipment_.  
  
Kirk: (gulps) Come on, Bones. We'll find it. Besides, what's the worst that could happen out here?  
  
Uhura: Shhhhh!  
  
McCoy: Too late, he said it.  
  
(distant maniacal laughter is heard)  
  
Chekov: Oh no! Ze authors are planning our horrible fate!  
  
Spock: Saying 'what's the worst that can happen?' is not a guarantee that something will happen.  
  
McCoy: Yes it is! We're jinxed!  
  
Uhura: That line's almost as bad as 'I've got a bad feeling about this.'  
  
Narrator: Suddenly, a mountain lion leaps out of nowhere and drags off Red-shirt 7.  
  
McCoy: See? SEE?! I just _knew _something bad would happen!  
  
Kirk: But that was good, wasn't it?  
  
McCoy: Ummm... I guess you're right.  
  
Narrator: Okay, time for a scene change.  
  
McCoy: What?! But nothing bad has happened yet!  
  
Narrator: Don't worry. I'm sure it will happen next scene.  
  
McCoy: Oh. Okay.  
  
Narrator: Now we switch back to Snodgrass. He has almost reached the mysterious thing in the distance. We can now see that it is a large building.  
  
Snodgrass: Is that a building? In the middle of a barren wasteland? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Should I keep going toward it?  
  
Narrator: What does the script say?  
  
Snodgrass: (blankly) Script? What?  
  
Narrator: Don't you have a copy of the script?  
  
Snodgrass: Umm... I don't know. Wait, I remember! The captain said I'm not important enough to have a copy of the script.  
  
Narrator: (groans) Idiot. Everyone needs a copy of the script. Here, borrow mine. (hands him a script)  
  
Snodgrass: Thanks. (looks at script) I don't think this is in English.  
  
Narrator: (looks over Snodgrass's shoulder) You're holding it upside-down!!  
  
Snodgrass: Oh. Oops. (turns script around)  
  
Narrator: (muttering to self) Hopeless, just hopeless.  
  
Snodgrass: Let's see. It says I'm supposed to go to the building. I guess I should, right?  
  
Narrator: Why can't you be normal? Do you see anyone _else_ asking nothing but questions? Well?  
  
Snodgrass: You just did.  
  
Narrator: (blinks) I did? Whatever.  
  
Snodgrass: Now, if I remember correctly, last time we went through the door and fell down a hole into a cage. I don't want to do that. I won't go in the front door.  
  
Narrator: How do you know there are any other doors?  
  
Snodgrass: (shrugs) I'll go see. (points to door) Here's the front door with the doorbell. I'll go around back.  
  
Narrator: The ensign goes around back and sees a door. It says SECRET DOOR THAT NOBODY KNOWS IS HERE.  
  
Snodgrass: I guess I'll go through here. (walks toward door)  
  
Narrator: Are you sure that's a good idea?  
  
Snodgrass: (shrugs) The script said I'm supposed to go into the building.  
  
Narrator: We go back to Kirk and the others, who for some reason still assume something bad is going to happen.  
  
McCoy: We are still afraid that something bad is going to happen, because it _is_!  
  
Kirk: Bones, you're scaring the red-shirts!  
  
McCoy: No I'm not!  
  
Narrator: Then why else are they all huddled together and shaking?  
  
Sulu: (gasps) What was that?!  
  
Chekov: (scared) What?  
  
Sulu: I thought I saw something!  
  
McCoy: It must be an alien coming to kill us all!  
  
Spock: I believe it is a gnat, doctor.  
  
Uhura: Eww! Gross! I hate gnats!  
  
Chekov: What's to hate?  
  
Uhura: Everything! Their gross noises, gross buggy-eyes, gross legs, gross ...(continues ranting)  
  
Sulu: What I really hate about gnats is how they're spelled. I mean, why the silent g?  
  
McCoy: Because that's the way it's spelled. Don't question the laws of the English Language.  
  
Sulu: I'm glad I'm Japanese.  
  
Chekov: I thought you were Chinese.  
  
Kirk: Aren't all the laws of the American Language broken at least once?  
  
Uhura: Will you stop talking about languages and start swatting that gnat!  
  
Kirk: Why should we?  
  
Uhura: Because I'm a _lady_, that's why.  
  
Sulu: Are you afraid of getting your hands dirty?  
  
Uhura: Forget the gnat, swat him! (points to Sulu)  
  
(gnat continues to buzz around happily. Then it spots a nice soft lump that it could use for a new home. It settles into the lump that happens to be Uhura's hair)  
  
Uhura: Eeeeeekkkk! Get it off me!  
  
McCoy: (takes out phaser) I'm going to get rid of this annoy pest once and for all!  
  
Kirk: Don't! You might shoot Uhura!  
  
McCoy: Who _else_ would I be aiming at?  
  
(The gnat, deciding that Uhura's hair might not be the safest place to rest after all, takes off and flies away from the group.)  
  
Kirk: Get it! Get it!  
  
(The group charges across the wasteland after the solitary gnat.)  
  
Kirk: Shoot the disgusting vermin!  
  
ZZAAAAAPP!!  
  
Kirk: No, not the _red-shirts_! The gnat!!!  
  
Sulu: Oops.  
  
McCoy: Well, that's one more red-shirt down.  
  
Chekov: Wait, what's zat?  
  
Sulu: It's a gnat, stupid.  
  
Chekov: Not ze gnat! Zat!!  
  
(The group looks up to see what looks like a tornado off in the distance, but approaching rapidly. The gnat is immediately forgotten.)  
  
Kirk: Tornado!!  
  
Spock: Actually, Captain, that is a desert sandstorm.  
  
Kirk: I don't care what it is! RUUUNN!!  
  
Alania: Please review, people! Reviews taste yummy!


	4. Enterprise Crew vs Tornado of Death

**REVIEWER NOTES**

**Mia**

**PearlGirl: Howdy! Glad you read the story! We really need to write more plays and stuff.**

**Alania: Say hello to Cactus Flats!!!!!!**

**Queenofinsanity**

**PearlGirl: Thanks for reviewing. Sorry it took awhile to post. Heh heh. A really long while. You know, homework and school. Blah, blah.**

**Alania: Actually, if you want to know the truth, we had totally forgotten about this story. But we remembered! And now: the story! I doubt you all want to wait any _longer_…**

Chapter Four: _Enterprise_ Crew vs. Tornado of Death

Narrator: We now go back to Snodgrass, who is going inside through the secret door. It opens up into a room with no visible doors or windows. The ensign steps in and, what a surprise, the door slams shut behind him and, surprise surprise, when he tries to open it, it's stuck. This is really clichéd.

Snodgrass: That's good. In clichéd stories the heroes always win.

Narrator: You're a sad excuse for a hero.

Snodgrass: Actually, being in this room isn't bad. At least I know I'm safe from any of those stupid robots that like to kill red-shirts.

Narrator: How can you be sure?

Snodgrass: Errrr. Wellllll… thanks for ruining my happy feeling!

Narrator: You're welcome. Now we switch to Dr. Death, who is on the telephone.

Dr. Death: Hello, operator? Yes. I'd like to speak to the Authors. Can you connect me to them? What do you mean you can't? You don't know who they are? Nitwit! I will annihilate you when I take over the world!! Muahahahaha! No, I don't want to talk any psychologists!!

Narrator: Dr. Death slams down the phone. Then he hears a voice from behind him.

Voice: Silly mad scientist. You don't have to call us on the phone.

Narrator: He turns around and sees PearlGirl and Alania standing next to his machine.

PearlGirl: What's this? (points to sinister-looking machine)

Dr. Death: That's my... uh… my… slushie machine. Ha ha. I haven't finished it yet!

Alania: I want some lemonade.

Narrator: She snaps her fingers and a glass of lemonade appears in her hand.

PearlGirl: So, Doctor, how do you like being back in a story? No hard feelings about how the last one ended, right?

Dr. Death: Heh heh. Of course not! I love being the defeated bad guy. It's my job!

PearlGirl: I'd love to chit chat, but I'm working on another story at the moment. Quite busy, you know. The story would go to pieces without me.

Dr. Death: Wait! There's something I'd like to show you two. Just step into that room over there.

Alania: Okay.

Narrator: They step into the same room that Snodgrass is in. Dr. Death steps in behind them and then slams the door violently.

Dr. Death: MUHAHAHAHA!!! My master plan will now be put into action! (He slowly and dramatically pushes a large button on the wall of the room. Nothing happens.)

Dr. Death: (looks at button) What?! It's not working!! (hits button repeatedly and without result) I don't understand it! (to Authors) I seem to be having a slight mechanical malfunction.... er, wait just a minute while I try and fix it. (quickly leaves the room)

PearlGirl: (leans against the wall) What's his problem?

Snodgrass: Hey, you two look vaguely familiar... have we met before?

Alania: What? Don't you remember us?!

PearlGirl: We're the Authors, dimwit!

Snodgrass: Ohh, that's it. By the way, are you twins?

Alania: (rolls eyes) And I thought _my_ memory was bad.

PearlGirl: (sighs) No, we're not twins. Remember that, okay?

Snodgrass: I'll try.

Narrator: A loud clamor is heard from outside the room. It sounds like someone is screwing around with a complicated piece of machinery.

Alania- ...Which is no doubt what's happening.

PearlGirl: (exasperated; to Dr. Death) Aren't you finished yet?

Dr. Death: (from outside door) Nearly...

PearlGirl: Good, because I'm getting tired of waiting.

Dr. Death: (to self) Heh heh. If only they knew what they're waiting for...

PearlGirl: What was that?

Dr. Death: Nothing. (loud crashing noise) Aaaargh! #$&!!!

Narrator: Many loud crashing noises ensue. It sounds as though some one's angrily kicking a complicated piece of machinery.

Dr. Death: Maybe someone is!!

Narrator: Now we will switch scenes.

Dr.Death: Wait! I can get this working! I know I can!

Alania: Go ahead and switch.

Narrator: Okay. Now's the fun part. We get to see Kirk, and the rest of them running frantically, with a HUGE dust cloud in close pursuit. It's gaining! Better hurry up, Kirk! You need a workout.

Kirk: I do not!

Narrator: Then how come the dust cloud is getting closer? Spock is in the lead, but amazingly, his Vulcan powers of strength are not enough to get him clear of the dust cloud.

McCoy: (panting) Ha!

Chekov: In Russia, we don't have dust storms.

Sulu: Lucky you.

Uhura: I can't run anymore!

Narrator: Uhura falls over and is swallowed up by the cloud. Then ensigns 1-5 are also overtaken. Then Sulu and Chekov disappear into the swirling dust. Only McCoy, Kirk and Spock are left, but the storm is closing in rapidly.

McCoy: I can't run anymore! (bravely) Go on without me!

Kirk: Okay, if you say so.

McCoy: Hey! You're supposed to-

Narrator: McCoy is cut off as the dust cloud envelopes him.

Kirk: (gasping for breath) Well, (pant) at least we died bravely, (gasp) fighting for Starfleet-

Narrator: Fortunately, at that moment the cloud of dust overtakes Kirk and he disappears into it. A minute later, Spock joins him. About 10 minutes later, the dust settles, and the land is once again a barren wasteland of sand. Nothing remains of our heroes, or the other random red-shirts.

UBP: Dun, dun dunnnnnnnn.

Narrator: Oh no!! What a dreadful cliffhanger! Too bad we have to find out what happens with Snodgrass and the Authors before we find out whether Kirk & Co. survived the sandstorm. Muahahaha.

Snodgrass: You're starting to sound like Dr. Death.

Narrator: (shrugs) Whatever. Now, where were we? Oh yes. Dr. Death is still trying to fix his machine. I think.

Dr. Death: No, I'm done now. The stupid thing is as fixed as it's going to be. (comes back in room)

PearlGirl: You think all that kicking helped?

Dr. Death: (grumpily) None of your business. Ahem. (dramatically) My master plan will now be put into action! (pushes button)

Narrator: There is a blinding flash if light, a whirring sound, aanndd... it's time to switch scenes and see how Kirk and Co. are doing.

Dr. Death: (groans) Not now! I want to find out if my machine worked!

Narrator: (sticks out tongue) Well, I guess that's just too bad then. We see a barren wasteland with sand that's settled after the storm. Then there's a movement in the sand. Something is stirring. A pointy ear emerges. Then a head, followed by about half a neck. Mister Spock shakes sand out of his hair, glad no one is there to see him so undignified.

Spock: Captain? Can you hear me?

Kirk: (bursting his head out of the sand) Yes, I can hear you Spock. (tries unsuccessfully to shake his face clean of sand) I need a shower.

McCoy: (pops his head out near Kirk's) I couldn't agree more, Jim.

Kirk: What do we do?

Spock: I am attempting to dig my body out of this vast amount of sand.

McCoy: It's no use. I'm stuck tighter than a sardine.

Narrator: There is movement off to Spock's right. Chekov's head appears a minute later.

Chekov: I don't like sand.

McCoy: I like it when I'm on top of it. Not under it.

Spock: Can anyone reach their communicators?

McCoy: Mine fell off. It's probably waaaay under here somewhere and I don't feel like going to get it.

Kirk: No! We must not admit defeat! If we survived that sand storm, we can survive anything! Or at least, _I_ can.

McCoy: Your ego needs adjusting.

Kirk: Where's Sulu?

Sulu: (pops his head above the surface) Right here, Captain.

Kirk: Well, Bones, I'm finally getting that relaxation in the sand you keep pestering me about.

McCoy: I meant on a beach!

Sulu: So where are all the red-shirts?

Kirk: (hopefully) Maybe they're all dead.

Red-shirts 1-4: (poke heads up through sand) We're here!

Kirk: Drat!

Red-shirt 2: Hey, I just realized something!

Chekov: Vhat?

Red-shirt 2: I went through a desert sandstorm, and survived! I survived! I'm a red-shirt, and I survived!! (as an afterthought) Maybe I'm not going to die. Maybe I'm an important character after all...

Kirk: Don't get your hopes up. There's still plenty of time for you red-shirts to die.

Sulu: Speaking of which, I don't think all of them did survive the sandstorm. Weren't there five red-shirts before?

Kirk: (glances at red-shirts, thinking) You know, I think you're right. (brightens) Well, that's another one down, I guess.

Narrator: The remaining red-shirts glance nervously at each other.

Red-shirt 3: (grumpily) Why'd I agree to go on this mission anyway?

Red-shirt 4: We didn't agree, remember? They just sort of dragged us along.

Red-shirt 3: (glumly) Oh.

(pause)

Kirk: So... can anyone climb out of the sand?

Narrator: For a couple of minutes everyone struggles to pull themselves out of the neck-deep sand. No one succeeds.

(pause)

Kirk: Well, um, can anyone reach their communicators? We could have Scotty beam us up...

Sulu: (gasps) Don't tell me you're giving up!!

Kirk: (indignantly) I'm not!

Sulu: But I thought you said that you'd never admit defeat by beaming up!

Kirk: Err.. I said that?

Sulu: Um, yeah.

Kirk: Well, you're right! We don't need Scotty!

McCoy: Good job, Sulu. You reminded him.

**Alania: Reviews! PLEASE!!!!!!**

**PearlGirl: Please tell us what you think!**


	5. The Return of the Clones

**Hello, people! After about four months, we're finally back! Don't worry; this story is NOT dead!**

**Replies to our most wonderful reviewers:**

**KatyaChekov: _Terribly_ sorry about prolonging that cliffhanger. _This_ chapter, at any rate, does _not_ end with a cliffhanger.**

**The Tribble Master: That was a very… random… review. And we actually have not seen any episode with Stella Mudd; all we know about her is Tavia's portrayal of her in 'The Mask of Stella' and its sequel. Very amusing fics, if you have not read them then you must!**

**Delia thatcher19: A surprising number of our reviewers know people named Snodgrass. How odd… we ourselves do not know anyone named Snodgrass.**

**Fairyangel: We know what you mean… ¡Exclamation marks are fun!**

**Queenofinsanity: Guess what! I updated my Dragon Dungeon story! Ha! There you go! But my excuse is that I'm working on a Lemony Snicket story that is 120 pages so far and I want to totally finish it before I post it. I hope it's really long. Because that means lots of reviews! Thanks for reviewing.**

**On to the fic (finally!)**

Narrator: Now let's go back to Doctor Death and the machine. Did it work? Let's find out!

Doctor Death: Good idea.

Narrator: There is a blinding flash of light in the room containing Pearlgirl, Alania and Snodgrass. Then we hear a loud noise that sounds like a cat screeching. When the light fades, the authors and Snodgrass are still in one piece.

Snodgrass: I survived! We all survived!

Pearlgirl: Well of course _we_ did. We're the Authors, duh!

Narrator: Then they notice five little kids at the other end of the room. One is a little girl with curly brown hair, the other is a little girl with straight brown hair, one is a boy with black hair, and two are little boys with brown hair and one of them has a scar on his left cheek.

Snodgrass: Hey, that's me! I got that scar when I was six and a penguin bit me. It hurt.

Little Snodgrass: Where am I?

Little Pearlgirl: Where'd my Barbie doll go?

Little Alania: Barbies are stupid.

Pearlgirl: Don't listen to me. I never played with Barbies. I was far too mature.

Little Pearlgirl: I like playing with them in the bathtub. But then their heads get water in them and make slushing noises.

Little Alania: Phooh. I like dinosaur toys better.

Little Dr. Death: I like to play with my chemistry set. I can make poisonous chemicals and conquer the world!

Doctor Death: Huh? What happened? I thought the machine was fixed! I thought I would end up with mutant Author clones that would help me take over the galaxy! How come I ended up with more six-year-olds? How come there's a clone of me?

Alania: Well, you were in this room when you pushed the button. You said it would clone anyone in the room.

Doctor Death: Okay, so who's the last kid a clone of?

Pearlgirl: Who else is in the room?

(they all look at the Narrator) 

Narrator: Wait- are you saying that I got cloned, too?

Little Narrator: How do you do? I like to talk. When I grow up, I'm going to narrate stories. I'm going to be the most famousest Narrator in the world!

Alania: Yep, it's you all right.

Snodgrass: Well, I guess it's good that he hadn't managed to fix the machine, or he might have a couple of powerful mutant Author clones right now!

Alania: Are you kidding? I can't let people find out what I was like as a six-year-old; it'll ruin my image!

Little Alania: (kicks Alania's foot) I'm bored. I wanna go outside and play. Where are my dinosaurs?

Pearlgirl: (snickers) I was always well-behaved when I was six.

Little Pearlgirl: Where's my Barbie doll? I want my Barbie! Waaaaah! (starts crying)

Alania: Sure, you were a little angel.

Pearlgirl: At least I was cute. I would wear little pink dresses with mermaids on them. You wouldn't let Mom dress you up.

Alania: You had Minnie Mouse underwear that you would care around EVERYWHERE!

Doctor Death: Arrrrgh! I HATE little kids. Why did I have to get more?

Little Snodgrass: Where am I? Who is everybody? What's happ-

Narrator: Little Snodgrass trips over a wire, pulling it out from the wall.

Doctor Death: Stop!

Little Snodgrass: Sorry.

Narrator: He tries to get up by pulling on a cord that hangs from the wall. He pulls it out of the wall as well.

Snodgrass: At least now everyone will see how much less clumsy I am now. Can't you see how much- WHOA!

Narrator: Snodgrass walks over to his clone and trips over yet another wire on the floor. He falls down next to his clone.

Pearlgirl: All these wires are a safety hazard.

Little Pearlgirl: I'm scared! I don't like wires! (starts crying)

Snodgrass: I'm okay. Don't worry. Ouch!

Narrator: He starts to stand up, but Little Snodgrass, who is struggling in a mess of wire, kicks him and knocks him down again. Soon, every wire is unplugged. Doctor Death is going crazy.

Doctor Death: Now I'll have to start working on my machine all over again! You stupid kids!

Pearlgirl: But maybe this time you can get it right.

Little Doctor Death: I'll help. I know how to make stuff bubble.

Little Narrator: And I'll narrate what he does! I'm good at that!

Doctor Death: No! All you new stupid kids are going to be put with the old stupid kids! In the freezing room!

Narrator: He points to a door labeled Freezing Room. Just then, all of the old clones come pouring out of the room. In case you've forgotten, these include Little Kirk, Little Spock, Little McCoy, Little Sulu, Little Chekov, and Little Uhura.

Little Kirk: What happened?

Little Sulu: Doctor Death put us in there, didn't he?

Little McCoy: I didn't like it in there. Too cold!

Little Uhura: And my dress got messed up!

Little Sulu: And there weren't any worms to eat!

Little Chekov: Or any Play-doh!

Little McCoy: Or any actual food either!

Little Spock- Well, one can hardly expect to find warmth and comfort in a cryogenic chamber.

Little McCoy: Cry-o-whatsit? Anyways, who cares? That Doctor Death guy isn't so nice.

Doctor Death: Yeah, well I don't find little kids too nice either.

Little Doctor Death: Even me? I'm a mad scientist too- I want to be just like you when I grow up!

Doctor Death: (ignores him) Now, what happened to the Freezing Room? How come it stopped working?

Little Kirk: (shrugs) I dunno.

Little Doctor Death: I bet I could help fix it! I like machines!

Little Spock: Perhaps I could be of assistance. I have had some experience with cryogenics before.

Little Snodgrass: Maybe I could help. I could, well, I could... ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Should this be a difficult question?

Little Kirk: Oh good, now we have a red-shirt clone. That way we don't have to worry about getting hurt.

Doctor Death: (points at Little Snodgrass) You, you, Grrrrrr! Now I remember! You unplugged everything, including the cyrogenic chamber! I'll get you! (starts chasing Little Snodgrass) I'll get all of you! Little kids are like rodents!

Narrator: Suddenly, Doctor Death stops chasing Little Snodgrass and smiles a very evil grin.

Doctor Death: That gives me a marvelous idea! Muahahaha!

Little Doctor Death: (tries to imitate the laugh) Muehehehe- hiccup!

**Alania: Do review! And, incidentally, I did NOT act that snotty when I was little!**

**Pearlgirl: Well, you were certainly snottier than _I_ was.**


	6. Escape From the Sand of Doom

**Look! We're not dead! Here's a new chapter; we'll try to update more regularly from now on. Many thanks to all of our reviewers.**

Narrator: Now we will switch scenes to Kirk and Company. This company includes the four red-shirts who are still remaining. They are all still stuck in the sand and have really no hope of getting out.

McCoy: Now there's an optimist for you.

Sulu: No, I agree. Everyone here is too weak to even lift their own weight. I, on the other hand, could easily get out. I was known as Mighty-Man Sulu, back in Japan.

Kirk: Me? Weak? Who threw that Klingon in the lava pit? Now, that was great.

Uhura: Well I'm to the only one of you bozos who can manage to stay out of fights. I bet you go through more uniforms every day then I do in a year.

Kirk: That's because you're too feminine. (thinking) Which actually isn't a bad thing.

McCoy: Well nobody can beat the amazing doctor who comes to people's rescue practically every time a landing party beams down.

Chekov: You don't usually rescue the red-shirts. In fact, your most used line is "He's dead, Jim."

McCoy: Well, even _I_ can't break the curse of a red-shirted ensign. Their stupidity isn't _my_ fault.

Red Shirt 2: I once squashed a spider all by myself. I think it was a Daddy Long Legs. I still have the scar from were it bit me.

Narrator: The other red-shirts stretch their necks, trying to get a look at the scar on his face. They oooh and ahhh.

McCoy: (sighs) Daddy Long-legs don't bite. Not people, anyway.

Kirk: Well, he _is_ a red-shirt.

McCoy: Good point.

Chekov: So, Hikaru, if you're so mighty then why don't you pull yourself out of ze sand?

Sulu: I will... in a minute...

Narrator: Sulu struggles against the sand for a minute or two but then stops, exhausted.

Sulu: Okay, so maybe I was fibbing a little, about the 'Mighty-Man Sulu' thing.

Chekov: I thought so. Now how about you, Keptin?

Kirk: Err... I... heh heh.. don't really feel like it at the moment...

Uhura: (rolls eyes) Men. They act all macho, but they're really wimps.

Kirk: Who are you calling a wimp!

Uhura: You. I should think that would be obvious.

Kirk: What! Listen, _Lieutenant_, you don't talk to your captain that way! In another minute I'm going to come over there and—

Uhura: But have you forgotten, Captain? You're stuck in the sand. Which means that I can say anything I want and you can't do a thing about it.

Kirk: Well, you better hope I don't find a way out. They say people can perform amazing feats of strength during periods of great stress.

Spock: Captain, I would like-

Uhura: (ignoring Spock) Good. Let's get the captain all stressed. Then he can get out of the sand and help us dig our way out.

Sulu: Great idea.

Chekov: I'm in.

McCoy: Stress can be very bad for your heart. Once we're done, I'd better get him back to the ship so I can give him a physical.

Spock: Captain, If you-

Kirk: (interrupting) Bones! You wouldn't be that cruel, would you?

Chekov: There's nothing wrong with getting stressed out, especially if it gives you hidden strength.

McCoy: I've also heard that it gives you hidden intellect sometimes.

Sulu: I think the only intelligence Kirk has is hidden.

Kirk: At least I'm smart enough to know the difference in ranks between us, _Lieutenant_ Sulu!

Spock: Captain, may I-

McCoy: Maybe, while we're at it we could stress out Spock! He's got to have some hidden strength.

Spock: Vulcans do not experience stress. That is a human characteristic, as are most illogical and unnecessary traits, such as interrupting. Captain, do you-

McCoy: (interrupting) Humans do not interrupt! At least, not any more then most species.

Spock: Might I finish my sentence?

McCoy: Why don't you just interrupt me? Or would that be too human? (gasps) That's too horribly human for Mister Vulcan, The King of Logic.

Spock: King of Logic? That is—

McCoy: Illogical. All right, fine, go ahead and talk.

Spock: Captain, would you like assistance getting out of the sand?

Narrator: They all turn to look, and see that Spock has somehow managed to dig himself out of the sand. He is sitting calmly on top of the sand behind where the red-shirts' heads are.

Kirk: (shocked) Spock! You're out of the sand!

Spock: There is no need to state the obvious, Captain. I believe you require assistance?

Kirk: What? No, of course we don't require assistance. At least, I don't.

McCoy: Jim, are you crazy? Of course we need help! How did you manage to get out, Spock?

Kirk: Hmmph. Well, maybe you need help, but I sure don't. After all, I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship _Enterprise_. If Spock can get out without help, then I'm sure I can.

McCoy: Sure, Jim. You do that.

Narrator: Spock walks over to where McCoy is buried and begins to help him dig himself out.

Sulu: Commander, you can reach your communicator now. Why don't you just call the _Enterprise_ and have them beam us up?

Spock: (still helping dig McCoy out) That would be the logical course of action, except that my communicator was lost in the sand.

McCoy: Hah! Spock lost something! And he admits it!

Spock: Doctor, losing things is something that happens to everyone from time to time. And in this case there was very little that I could have done to prevent it.

McCoy: Yeah, well, I used to wait for you to make a mistake to criticize you, but that hardly ever happened. So I settled for losing things.

Spock: You enjoy criticizing people?

McCoy- Well, of course. Who doesn't? It raises my self esteem.

Sulu: Awwwww. Is the doctor getting depressed?

McCoy: No, but if you don't be quiet, you're going to be.

Sulu: How can you hurt me? We're both stuck in the...

Narrator: Sulu realized that McCoy has managed to free himself and is walking over to him, shaking sand out of his shirt.

Sulu: I mean, I, the lowly Helmsman, am stuck in this horrible sand. I beseech you, wonderful doctor, to please help me out even though I am utterly below your level of intelligence.

McCoy: Wow. My self-esteem was boosted without me having to insult anyone.

Sulu: So could you help me?

McCoy: Convince me to.

Sulu: Grrrrrrr. Forget it. Spock, please?

Narrator: Spock goes over and helps Sulu out of the sand.

McCoy: Spock, you're a party pooper, did you know that?

Spock: I am aware of many of the human insults you associate with me, but I was not aware I was also a party-pooper.

McCoy: Well, now you know.

Spock: I will be sure to record that for future reference.

McCoy: That's pretty sarcastic for a Vulcan.

Spock: Vulcans are not sarcastic.

McCoy: Right. Just like they never lie.

Narrator: McCoy and Spock then dig Chekov, and the remaining 4 ensigns out of the sand.

Uhura: Oh course, you just had to wait and do me last! I should have been first; after all, I am a lady.

Kirk: I think you ought to be strong enough to dig yourself out. After all, I believe I recall that the last time we beamed down to this planet you single-handedly ripped a metal beam out of the transporter room floor.

Sulu: Where did that beam go, anyway?

Uhura: We left it down on the planet, remember? In the room where we found the communicators.

Sulu: (musing) I wonder if it's still there.

Uhura: Never mind the beam, help me out of the sand!

**Thanks so much for reading! The next chapter will be up before long, hopefully!**


	7. Where Has the Plot Gone?

**Aaaand here's the next chapter of randomness! Many thanks to our reviewers!**

Narrator: As our characters help Uhura to escape the sand, Doctor Death has begun to put his recently concocted evil scheme into action. He is now rounding up all of the clones. So far he has Little Sulu, Little Uhura, Little Spock, Little McCoy, Little Snodgrass and Little Narrator cornered in, well, a corner. Little Doctor Death is helping. Hey, leave my clone alone!

Doctor Death: No. I'm getting rid of these kids—all of them!

Narrator: Doctor Death approaches Little Kirk and tries to drive him into the corner. Little Kirk refuses to budge.

Little Kirk: I don't take orders from the likes of you!

Doctor Death: Why, you impudent little—(he tries to grab Little Kirk, but the six-year-old dodges and kicks his ankle) Aaaargh! #$& kids!

Alania: (grins) Watch your language. There are children here, you know.

Doctor Death: (glares at her) You are not funny, you know.

Narrator: Then Doctor Death pulls out a wicked looking gun.

Doctor Death: (soberly) I'm sorry it had to come to this... (grins) Actually, I'm not really. Now, we're going to play a game. It's called Herding the Little Clones By Force If Necessary. By the time I count to ten, I want all of you, excluding my clone, into that room over there. (gestures toward room labeled Cage) If you don't get there in ten seconds, I'm going to... _help_ you. Okay? One...

Little Kirk: We're not afraid of you and your toy gun!

Little McCoy: Speak for yourself! (Runs into room)

Little Sulu: Karate doesn't work against guns! He's cheating!

Little Uhura: That thing might mess up my pigtails. (follows Little McCoy)

Little Snodgrass: I may not be a red-shirted ensign yet, but that still doesn't make me invincible. (runs after Little Uhura)

Little Chekov: Wait for me! (runs after Little Snodgrass)

Little Alania: Ooooooh. A cage. Monkeys live in cages!

Little Pearlgirl: No they don't, sillyhead. Camping Barbie and Kelly sleep in cages.

Little Alania: That's caves! There's a difference!

Narrator: The little Authors bicker and run into the room.

Little Narrator: I guess I'd better go in there too.

Doctor Death: Seven...eight...

Little Kirk: We're not scared! If I had my miniature phaser with the flashing lights and extra batteries, you wouldn't be talking to me like this!

Little Sulu: Since you don't have it with you, I think I'll take my chances in the cage. (follows the other eight clones)

Little Spock: That would seem to be the logical conclusion. (follows Little Sulu)

Doctor Death: Ninnnnnneeee...(leans over to Little Kirk) I'm almost done counting. Just one more number left. Are you sure you want me to use force?

Little Kirk: Stupid. Only Jedis can use the Force.

Doctor Death: Huh?

Little Doctor Death: (kicks Little Kirk) Do what he says.

Little Kirk: (kicks back) I don't have to do what you say!

Little Doctor Death: Don't kick me! (hits Little Kirk)

Doctor Death: All right, that's enough. Stop fighting, clone, or I'll throw you in the cage too.

Little Doctor Death: Aww, you're no fun. (pouts)

Little Kirk: (sticks out tongue at Little Doctor Death) Pthpthpt!

Doctor Death: All right, that's it. (grabs Little Kirk and throws him into the room labeled 'Cage' and shuts door) There, that gets those clones out of the way.

Narrator: I think you're being a little bit cruel.

Doctor Death: Well, I think that your opinion doesn't matter one iota. I'm the one in charge here.

Pearlgirl: Actually (smiles) we're the ones in charge here. We're the Authors, remember?

Doctor Death: Yeah, sure. Just get out of the way while I fix my cloning machine.

Alania: (snickers) Look who's in a bad mood today.

Doctor Death: (snarling) I'm not in a bad mood!

Pearlgirl: (grins) Sure, that's what they all say.

Doctor Death: (points gun at Pearlgirl) In a minute I'm really going to be in a bad mood.

Pearlgirl: Okay, okay. I get the point.

Doctor Death: You can join those clones if you want, anytime. They're having plenty of fun in there. It's one of my inventions.

Snodgrass: What exactly is it?

Doctor Death: It's a huge mouse maze. There's cheese at the other end. I figured since little kids have about the brain sizes of rodents, they'd enjoy trying to find the cheese.

Snodgrass: What if they're allergic to dairy products?

Doctor Death: Nobody asked you!

Snodgrass: (hastily) Don't get mad! I'm just a red-shirt!

Pearlgirl: Yeah. They're an endangered species, you know. They're slowly going extinct. It's so sad. (sniffs)

Doctor Death: (sarcastically) What a pity. If they vanished from the face of the earth, who would trip over wires and wreck scientists' machinery?

Alania: (sniffs) Wait a minute, I smell cheese!

PearlGirl: Duuuuh. There's cheese at the end of the maze.

Alania: CHEEESE! I'm going to get me some cheese! (disappears)

PearlGirl: (Laughs) She forgot all we have to do it write it in. (Shrugs) Oh well. While she's gone, I have complete control over the story! Muahahahahaha! I can do whatever I want!

Doctor Death: Can you make my machine work so I can clone you—I mean, so I can do nice things that would be mutually beneficial?

PearlGirl: Maaaaaybe. But first, I want to bring someone in. (snaps fingers)

Narrator: A guy in a French hat appears.

Guy In French Hat: Huh? Why am I here?

PearlGirl: Don't you loooooove French accents? And hats with fluffy feathers? (she grabs the man's hat and puts it on) I'm French!

French Guy: No you're not! Give me back my hat!

PearlGirl: No! Let me introduce myself. I'm PearlGirl, and you're Javert from _Les Miserables_, which is a really good musical and book, although the book is rather long.

Javert: I need to go back and capture that convict!

PearlGirl: First, sing your song!

Narrator: Alania appears with a handful of cheese.

Alania: (eating cheese; looks around and sees Javert) What did I miss?

Pearlgirl: Rats, she's back! Uh, I mean, hi Alania! You got here just in time to hear Javert sing!

Alania: (frowns) Don't you think we ought to get back to the story?

Pearlgirl: (sighs) You're probably right. (to Javert) Well, it was nice seeing you. Try to stay away from bridges.

Javert: Huh?

Narrator: Pearlgirl snaps her fingers and Javert disappears.

Pearlgirl: There. After that completely random interlude, the story may now continue.

Doctor Death: And perhaps I may repair my cloning machine without any _further_ interruptions?

Pearlgirl: (smiles) Perhaps.

**Oh horrors! What will happen to the poor imprisoned clones? And will the story _ever_ get back on track! Stay tuned for the next installment of _(insert clever and witty title here)_!**


	8. Clichés and Redshirt Death

**Looky! More!**

Narrator: All right, we are now back to Kirk and company. They are now completely free from the sand, and are marching resolutely to wherever destiny, and their captain, lead them.

Sulu: (griping) I knew we shouldn't have let the captain lead! We're as lost as flies in a fruit salad.

Narrator: Hey, you messed up my dramatic and inspiring speech!

McCoy: (comforting) It was a nice speech.

Kirk: And anyway, you don't know what you're talking about, Sulu. I have an excellent sense of direction. I always know where I'm going. Why—(he runs into a palm tree)

McCoy: (laughs) What kind of a sense of direction is that?

Sulu: A pretty good one, I'd say. He just ran into the only palm tree for miles.

Uhura: What's so great about a palm tree?

Chekov: Palm trees were first grown in Russia.

Uhura: Again I'll ask: what's so great about a palm tree?

Chekov: Hey, being grown in Russia is pretty special!

Uhura: Not if everything is.

Chekov: Everything is not grown in Russia!

Uhura: Name one thing that isn't.

McCoy: This I gotta hear.

Chekov: Errrrr. Asparagus isn't grown in Russia. It's too disgusting.

McCoy: Spock, do you know if there are any asparagus farms in Russia?

Spock: If you show me the logical behind your question, I will attempt to answer it.

Sulu: Can we stop talking about food? I'm hungry!

Chekov: Even for asparagus? You must be reeeeally hungry.

Kirk: (grumbling) I'm just fine. No need to ask if my head hurts from being banged against a palm tree.

McCoy: So where do we go now, oh bold and fearless leader?

Kirk: (smiles) I like that. "Bold and fearless leader." I ought to get than on a plaque.

McCoy: (sighs) Back to the point...

Kirk: Ummm, you were asking... (snaps fingers) where we're going! That's it; you were asking where we're going!

McCoy: Well?

Kirk: (shrugs) I haven't the faintest idea.

McCoy: (groans)

Sulu: (griping) See? I knew we shouldn't have let him be our leader!

Chekov: Hmmm. Well, maybe we ought to sink about zis.

Sulu: (sarcastically) What a novel idea!

Chekov: (glares at him) Wery funny. Would you like to be ze leader?

Sulu: As a matter of fact, I would. Let's see, if we're heading toward the source of the distress signal, our best course of action would be to, ummm...

Red-shirt 2: Just great. No one here knows where we're going. We're all going to die!

Red-shirt 4: (glumly) Well, we are at any rate. After all, we're red-shirts!

Red-shirt 1: Aauugh! We're doomed! I want my mommyyyy!

Kirk: Oh, everyone be quiet unless you have something useful to say.

Red-shirt 3: I vote we ask for directions at that big building over there.

Kirk: I said, be—wait, what building?

Red-shirt 3: That building. (points) It looks like some sort of information center; I bet they could give us directions.

McCoy: (looks over) You know what, I think that red-shirt has a point. How come none of us thought of that?

Sulu: (warning) We can't take the advice of a red-shirt. We'll all be doomed!

Kirk: Not necessarily. Maybe just the red-shirt will be doomed. Come on, let's go!

Red-shirt 3: What? I'm doomed because I came up with a good suggestion?

McCoy: Life's not fair.

Red shirt 3: I hate it when people say that.

Narrator: They begin walking toward the building. Suddenly, Red-shirt 3 trips over a rock and falls to the ground.

McCoy: He's dead, Jim.

Kirk: Good. One less doomed red-shirt to have to worry about.

Sulu: I still don't think we should go toward the building without Spock saying so.

Kirk: What do you mean?

Sulu: You know what I mean! You always ask Spock what we should do, and he tells us the most logical course of action. You didn't ask.

Kirk: Maybe it's because it's the only course of action.

Uhura: No it's not. We could stop and rest before my feet fall off from all this walking.

Chekov: I'm not going anywhere until Spock says it's logical.

McCoy: I don't see anything wrong with doing illogical things!

Spock: That is because you are human, doctor. Humans see nothing wrong with starting illogical arguments.

McCoy: I don't start arguments! You and your pointy ears always start the argument!

Spock: Vulcans do not argue.

McCoy: You always say that! That's what starts the argument. You and your logical babbling! Jim, make him stop arguing!

Kirk: I think I'm going to stay out of this.

Narrator: They reach the building.

Sulu: Hmmm. Something about this building looks familiar, but I just can't place it.

Spock: I believe you are experiencing _déjà vu_. That is the human term for an inexplicable feeling of familiarity.

McCoy: Maybe you saw this place in a dream.

Sulu: No, I don't think that's quite right. I was here before, I know it.

Kirk: Never mind. We need to get inside here. Look: it's a door! And there's a doorbell, too. I'm going to ring the doorbell.

Sulu: I don't think you should do that, Captain. I have a bad feeling about this door.

Kirk: Pah, bad feelings. You're just afraid.

McCoy: I dunno, maybe he's right, Jim. At any rate, ringing the doorbell is so uncreative.

Kirk: What do you mean?

McCoy: If we want to make it really interesting, we should sneak in, through a vent.

Kirk: (doubtful) A vent.

McCoy: Sure, a vent. Heroes always sneak into buildings through a vent, or air duct, or something like that.

Sulu: I don't think we should. It's too cliché.

Kirk: (sternly) You're not giving the orders here, Mr. Sulu. (decisive) All right; I've decided. We're going to sneak in through a vent. Hmmm... now the only thing left to do is to find a vent.

Spock: There is a vent here, Captain, but I must say that I do not see the logic in sneaking into a building when our intent is to ask for directions.

McCoy: You wouldn't understand. It's a human thing.

Spock: That does not make it logical.

McCoy: Maybe we don't care weather it's logical!

Kirk: Stop arguing and help me open this vent!

Narrator: Working together they manage to pry the vent off the wall. The bridge crew and Red-shirts 1, 2 and 4 stare into the dark hole.

Kirk: Heh, heh. Anyone brought a flashlight?

McCoy: I have my tricorder.

Spock: I could disconnect the sensor and fuse it with the energy wire (continues to babble about scientific stuff)

Kirk: Just do it!

Narrator: Spock takes McCoy's tricorder and fiddles with it for five minutes. Then he hands it back to McCoy.

Spock: Press the blue button.

Narrator: McCoy presses it and a beam of red light emits from the tricorder.

All except Spock: Oooooohhh.

Spock: Unfortunately, the beam could be dangerous to—

Narrator: Red-shirt 4 stretches his hand into the beam of light.

Red Shirt 4: Ahhhh! My hand!

Narrator: He disintegrates.

McCoy: Coool! (looks nervous) That only works on red-shirts, right?

Spock: Correct.

Red-shirt 1: Keep that thing away from me!

Kirk: All right, let's go! Into the vent, everyone!

Uhura: (whining) But it's so dark in there!

Sulu: (snickers) Oh, is Uhura afraid of the dark?

Uhura: (glares at Sulu) It's dirty.

Kirk: Well, tough. Everyone has to come. Follow me.

Narrator: Kirk climbs into the vent. Luckily it is just wide enough for him to fit. Spock follows, then McCoy, Sulu, Chekov, and finally, though reluctantly, Uhura. The vent is just wide enough for them to fit into it single file. The two remaining red-shirts are still standing outside the vent, looking nervous.

Kirk: Will some one get those red-shirts into the vent!

Uhura: (griping) You just made me climb into the vent. I'm not going to climb all the way out again just to make a couple of red-shirts follow us!

Red-shirt 1: I'm scared to go in.

Red-shirt 2: Me too. I might die.

Kirk: (angry) Tough! Get in here now or you _will_ die!

Red-shirt 2: Err, okay.

Narrator: The two red-shirts climb into the vent after the rest of the crew. Unfortunately, as McCoy is near to the front of the line, and he is the one holding the tricorder, none of the light reaches the red-shirts at the back.

Red-shirt 1: Augh! I'm scared of the dark!

Red-shirt 2: Would you rather be zapped by that tricorder?

Kirk: Quiet back there!


	9. Suspense & Intrigue!

**Many thanks to all of our reviewers!**

**Spoccer276—Yeah, we'd heard something like that about Daddy Long-Legs before… except the thing about the corner of the mouth.** **Well, this fic does have a basic plot, but we go off on a lot of random tangents. : )**

Narrator: All right, now we are back with Doctor Death, Little Doctor Death, the Authors and Snodgrass in the large room. Doctor Death is still trying to fix his cloning machine.

Doctor Death: This isn't WORKING!

PearlGirl: Poor Doctor Death. You've been working on that machine for two stories now and it still isn't working.

Alania: Maybe humans just aren't meant to be turned into mindless zombie clones.

Doctor Death: Don't be ridiculous! Kirk is fated to be cloned just as much as I am fated to use his clone to become the supreme ruler of the universe.

PearlGirl: …and, apparently, just as much as you are fated not to get this machine to work properly.

Alania: Fate just isn't what it used to be.

Snodgrass: Does that mean I'm not fated to die?

PearlGirl: Nope, you're doomed to die. There's a difference.

Snodgrass: (sadly) Oh.

PearlGirl: (shouting) Look at the ceiling! (points up)

Narrator: They all look up and see nothing.

Little Doctor Death: You're weird.

PearlGirl: (sighs) They're late. It's not my fault!

Narrator: Suddenly there is a crashing sound from above their heads. Spock, McCoy, Kirk, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura and the remaining two red-shirts come crashing down through the ceiling from a vent that ran above their heads. Spock is the only one who lands on his feet. The rest stumble out of the debris of plaster.

Spock: Doctor, It was most illogical of you to try and crawl into that portion of the vent, especially since I warned you previously that it was unstable.

McCoy: Oh sure, blame me.

Sulu: Why not? You were the one who insisted on going this way!

Chekov: Een Russia, our wents are made much more stable.

Sulu: Vents just aren't made the way they used to be.

Doctor Death: Hey, who are these people? Intruders! (points gun at them) Put your hands up!

Kirk: Um, we just wanted to ask for directions?

McCoy: Hey, it's that crazy mad scientist guy, the one who we met the last time we came to this planet.

Kirk: You mean the one who tried to clone us?

McCoy: (nods) That's the one.

Sulu: (slaps own forehead) Now I know why this place looked so familiar!

Doctor Death: I said, hands up! NOW!

Narrator: The starfleeters all put their hands up. Doctor Death walks around them.

Doctor Death: Ah yes, I remember you. You were the ones whom I tried to clone, only instead of ending up with mindless slaves all I got were little kids. (grins evilly) Well, I have a much better universe-conquering plan now.

Kirk: Care to enlighten us?

Doctor Death: (frowns) No! I have to get back to fixing my cloning machine. It's almost finished.

Sulu: But whenever the bad guy captures the heroes, he always tells them his plan! Then he gets to brag and stuff, and when the heroes escape—err, I mean, then he kills the heroes and conquers the universe.

Doctor Death: Well, the killing the heroes and conquering the universe stuff sounds good, but I don't know about telling you my plan. It's just so... cliché.

Sulu: Don't call it a cliché—call it a... tradition.

Chorus from _The Fiddler on the Roof_: (singing) Traditioooon… tradition!

Doctor Death: Who are those guys? Get them out of my lab!

Alania: Whoops. Err… (She snaps her fingers, and the chorus disappears.) There.

Doctor Death: Hmmm... I'll think about telling you. But for now you'll have to step inside this cage here while I finish fixing my cloning machine.

Kirk: What if we don't want to step inside that cage?

McCoy: Yeah, that was the cell we were in last time!

Uhura: Does it still have a hole in it?

Doctor Death: Why don't you step inside and see?

Spock: That would be most illogical. You are obviously trying to lure us in so that we could be more easily controlled.

Doctor Death: (sadly) Is it really that obvious?

Everyone: (nods)

Doctor Death: Well then, this must be just as obvious! (gestures with weird gun thing)

Sulu: (nervously) Oh, you want us to get in the cage? Sure. No problem!

Narrator: Sulu, Chekov and the two red-shirted ensigns run into the cage.

McCoy: (shines tricorder light on Doctor Death) Darn it!

Spock: I believe I already informed you that it only works on red-shirts.

McCoy: Nothing wrong with trying!

Doctor Death: Yeah. Maybe I should try and see if this works on doctors! (gestures with gun)

McCoy: Err—that's okay. I was just getting in the cage, anyway

Narrator: McCoy gets in the cage.

Uhura: Eeeew. It looks so dirty!

Sulu: Don't worry; the spider-webs catch most of the dirt.

Uhura: (screams) I HATE spiders!

Doctor Death: Hmmmm. Well, maybe you'd rather be thrown into the alligator pit.

Uhura: (hastily) No need, no need. Err, I can handle a few spiders. What do you think I am, a wimp? (gets in cage)

Kirk: (smirks) The thought had occurred to me.

Uhura: Oh, well I don't see you getting into the cage, you coward!

Kirk: Coward? NOBODY calls James T. Kirk a coward! I'll show you! (gets in cage)

Doctor Death: Care to join them, Mister Spock? Or shall I fry you with my gun? I've been dying to see if it works the same way on Vulcans!

Spock: That will not be necessary. (gets in cage)

Doctor Death: (slams cage door) Muahahahaha! You shall NEVER ESCAPE!

McCoy: (to Kirk) You know, Jim, I don't think getting into this cage was such a good idea.

Alania: No, it probably wasn't.

Pearlgirl: (wanders over to the cloning machine) You haven't made much progress on this thing, have you?

Doctor Death: No! Don't touch that! (runs over to Pearlgirl) I ought to put you in the cage too. And you! (looks over at Snodgrass, who has been standing inconspicuously in a corner) All, right, you Authors, and the red-shirt too—into the cage! (opens cage door and gestures with gun)

Snodgrass: Err, why? That cage doesn't look very nice. (considers) Will you shoot me if I don't go in there?

Doctor Death: (looks at him as though he's an idiot) What do you think I have this gun for?

Snodgrass: Good point. (gets in cage)

Doctor Death: And you Authors too!

Alania: All right. No need to lose your temper. (gets in cage)

Pearlgirl: You're too tense. You should relax more. (gets in cage)

Doctor Death: (Slams cage door) There we go! All my distractions are gone! Now I can finally work on my cloning machine in PEACE!

Kirk: Hey, it's the ensign with the weird name!

McCoy: I thought he died.

Snodgrass: Not yet.

Kirk: Darn it. Now I have to go to all the trouble of remembering your name. What is it?

Snodgrass: It's Snodgrass.

Kirk: Oh yeah. Ensign Schmodrass. How could I forget?

PearlGirl: (looks around) This cage is so drab. (To Doctor Death) Who's your interior designer? Whatever you paid them, it was too much!

Little Doctor Death: (still sitting in a corner playing with his chemistry kit) I did it, I did it!

Alania: Did what?

Little Doctor Death: I invented a type of edible play-doh! I called it, Play-dough! You can get it in two flavors: cookie dough and brownie batter.

PearlGirl: I want some!

**Will be updated as soon as we get around to it! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!**


	10. More Bickering & Corn Syrup

**Aaaaaand here's the next chapter!**

Narrator: Let's move on to the little clones. They're still in the giant mouse cage. Let's see—how many clones do we have?

Little Narrator: (importantly) Ten, not including Little Doctor Death.

Little Kirk: Let's play Follow the Leader!

Little McCoy: Okay.

Little Spock: What is the purpose of that game?

Little McCoy: You follow the leader and sing this song: "We're following the leader, the leader, the leader, we're following the leader, wherever he may go!"

Little Spock: Where does the leader go?

Little McCoy: Wherever he wants to.

Little Spock: What if he goes somewhere that you do not wish to go?

Little McCoy: You have to follow.

Little Spock: That sounds even more illogical then the game in which you pretend you are a waterfowl.

Little Chekov: Huh? Waterwhat?

Little Kirk: He means Duck-Duck-Goose!

Little Sulu: Let's play that instead!

Little Kirk: No! I'm going to be the leader and everyone has to follow me!

Little PearlGirl: Aren't we supposed to be finding the cheese?

Little Alania: (perks up) Cheese? Where?

Little Snodgrass: Cheese sounds dangerous.

Little Uhura: Cheese is messy unless you eat it with a fork.

Little Chekov: Fork? What's a fork?

Little Uhura: It's what you eat with, stupid!

Little PearlGirl: I thought you ate with your hands.

Little Chekov: Duh. I use my face.

Little Uhura: Gross!

Little Pearlgirl: (sniffs) I don't like it in here.

Little Alania: Uh oh.

Little Pearlgirl: (starts crying) I want OUT! Waaaaaaah!

Little Kirk: All right, let's play Follow the Leader. I'm gonna be the leader.

Little Alania: (kicks Little Kirk) No, _I'm_ gonna be the leader!

Little Kirk: How come?

Little Alania: 'Cause I said so, that's why!

Little Kirk: But I'm the Captain!

Little Alania: Are not! Besides, I'm an Author.

Little Kirk: No you're not. Those big girls are the Authors. You're just a pipsqueak.

Little Alania: Huh. Well you're not any bigger than I am.

Little Pearlgirl: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Little Sulu: (covers ears; to Little Alania) Your sister is loud.

Little Alania: (shrugs) She was born that way.

Little Chekov: I'm hungry.

Little Alania: Then let's go get the cheese! Follow me, everybody!

Little Narrator: The clones all get up to follow her except for Little Kirk, who is pouting, Little Pearlgirl, who is crying, and Little Spock, who is sitting and thinking.

Little Kirk: (pouting) I should get to be the leader.

Narrator: (pokes head onstage) Um, it's time to switch scenes.

Little Narrator: Um, okay.

Narrator: Okay, when we left off, there were a large number of people in the cage. Let me see if I can list all of them: Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, Red-shirts 1 and 2, that red-shirt with the impossible name, and the two Authors. Doctor Death is still trying to fix his cloning machine, and Little Doctor Death is still playing with his chemistry set.

Little Doctor Death: (sticks tongue out at people in the cage) Ha ha.

Kirk: (angry) That little twerp!

McCoy: He reminds me of your clone, Jim.

Narrator: Suddenly, there is a fizzling sound from the cloning machine. Sparks fly from it. Doctor Death starts swearing.

Doctor Death: #$&!

Pearlgirl: (concerned) Need some help? (She walks right through the bars of the cage and heads over toward Doctor Death.)

Kirk: Hey, how did you do that?

Pearlgirl: (rolls eyes) I'm an Author, duh. I can do whatever I want!

Sulu: What was the point of putting you in a cage, then?

Alania: I want some more cheese. (walks through the bars of the cage and toward the door)

Doctor Death: (turns and sees that the Authors are out of the cage) What are you doing out of the cage! Get back in there!

Pearlgirl: All right, all right. Sheesh. I was only trying to help.

Narrator: Doctor Death walks back over to the cage and opens the door. The Authors enter and he slams the door shut.

Doctor Death: Now, STAY in there.

Kirk: You know, right now would be a really good time to finally figure out the answer to a very important question.

McCoy: And what's that?

Kirk: What exactly is corn syrup? You look at everything in the supermarket, and they all have corn syrup listed in the ingredients.

Spock: I have not researched the origin of corn syrup. Vulcan food is not made of corn syrup.

Chekov: Corn syrup was inwented een Russia.

Sulu: But what _is_ it?

PearlGirl: Corn that's turned all liquid-y and syrupy. Probably.

Alania: Cheese isn't made of corn syrup.

Snodgrass: Is corn syrup red-shirt friendly?

Doctor Death: WHY are you ARGUING about something as STUPID as CORN SYRUP? BE QUIET!

PearlGirl: Looks like someone's in need of a little yoga. Breath with me. Out 1...2...3..., In...1...2...3... Out—

Doctor Death: Wait, I think I've got it!

Narrator: Doctor Death flicks a switch and the machine starts playing the song _It's a Small World After All._

Doctor Death: Arrrrgh. It's killing me!

Kirk: Please! Turn it off...

Spock: This song is highly illogical.

McCoy: Please, just kill me now.

Red Shirt 2: Ahhhhhhhh! (combusts in a shower of red fireworks)

Narrator: Will they survive, or will their brains slowly melt away form listening to that song? Find out in the next exciting installment of _(insert clever and witty title here)_!


	11. The Great Escape

**Thanks to our wonderful reviewers!**

**Queenofinsanity—Yeah, we saw that author's name before, in the back of some Star Trek book. Funny coincidence, ain't it?**

**Arkady Jeanette Phoenix—Ehm. PearlGirl can't actually update _Reese's_ yet because we haven't gotten our hand on Book the Twelfth! We'll probably read it soon, though. Thanks for the review : )**

**On to the fic!**

Narrator: Now, let's see what the little clones are doing. What they are doing, in fact, is—

Little Narrator: (shoves Narrator) Hey! It's my turn to narrate! You go back to the grown-ups!

Narrator: Okay, I'm sorry. Sheesh. (leaves)

Little Narrator: Ahem. (importantly) All us kids are following Little Alania. 'Cept for PearlGirl, Kirk an' Spockie.

Little Spock: If you don't mind, I would prefer "Spock".

Little Narrator: (waves hand dismissively) Yeah, whatever.

Little Alania: Onward! (starts to walk away)

Little Spock: (stands up) I believe I have just found a solution to our dilemma.

Little Alania: You mean you know how to get through the maze?

Little Chekov: You mean you've found something to eat?

Little Kirk: You mean you've figured out that I would be a better leader than Alania?

Little Sulu: You mean you've found a way to make PearlGirl stop crying?

Little PearlGirl: WAAAAAAAAH! (glares at Little Sulu) He's not nice! (sniffs)

Little Snodgrass: You mean you've found a way to keep me from getting hurt?

Little McCoy: You mean you've realized that I'm always more right than you are?

Little Uhura: You mean you've found a way to keep my dress clean?

(pause)

Little Spock: No. I have found a way out of this prison.

Little Narrator: They all stare at him blankly for a moment.

All but Little Spock: But what about the cheese?

Little Spock: I believe I am correct in saying that finding the cheese is not the reason we are here. We want to escape from this maze so that we can find a way to get off this planet.

Little McCoy: Maybe the cheese isn't the reason _you're_ here. I bet Vulcans don't even like cheese!

Little Spock: That is immaterial.

Little Alania: No it's not! Cheese is good!

Little Kirk: We'll do what I say!

Little Alania: Since when? I'm the leader!

Little Chekov: I'm hungry. Let's find the cheese.

Little Snodgrass: (looks behind them) What's that door over there?

Little Sulu: That's the door we came in by, stupid!

Little Narrator: The door is locked. They try unsuccessfully to open it. Little Sulu gets a sore foot by trying his Karate kick on it.

Little Sulu: (grimacing) My foot is NOT sore!

Little Spock: There is a keypad over on the wall. Logically, if the right sequence of numbers is keyed in, the door should open.

Little Kirk: And the numbers are?

Little Spock: (wrinkles brow and doesn't answer)

Little Kirk: Spock?

Little McCoy: He doesn't know! Ha!

Little Alania: No; he's thinking, stupid!

Little PearlGirl: Waaaahhhhhhh!

Little Uhura: Will you be quiet?

Little PearlGirl: My Barbie doll hair clip fell out!

Little Uhura: I'll put it back in.

Little Alania: Shhhhh! He's using his Vulcan logic.

Little Uhura: Ooooh, this hair clip is pretty. Do you have any more?

Little Pearlgirl: Yeah, I have some in my pocket. I'll put them in your hair, if you want.

Little Uhura: Yay!

Little Narrator: Little Pearlgirl puts the hair clips in Little Uhura's hair.

Little Pearlgirl: Now we can have a fashion show! Look everybody! We're all pretty!

Little Uhura: (singing) I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and—

Little Alania: Be quiet already!

Little Spock: By examining the fingerprints on this keypad, I believe I have figured out the code.

Little Sulu: Yaaaay! Hurray for Spockie!

Little Spock: (sighs) Just "Spock", if you please.

Little Kirk: Okay, enter the code and let's get out of here!

Narrator: All right, let's go back to the adults.

Little Narrator: Noooo! I don't want to! I want to narrate!

Narrator: (irritated) You've already had your turn. It's my turn now.

Little Narrator: Not fair! Not fair! (starts wailing)

Narrator: (moans) I was never very good with kids. Umm, yeah. Back in the other room, Doctor Death has pushed the button again and turned off the _It's a Small World After All_ music.

Doctor Death: (frowns) I guess it needs some more work.

McCoy: (groans) So does my head. I've got a serious headache from that music.

Spock: That song was illogical.

McCoy: It doesn't take a genius to figure _that_ out.

Kirk: You're being really sarcastic today, Bones.

McCoy: (sarcastically) Glad you noticed.

Uhura: Men are very sarcastic. It's a symptom of stupidity.

PearlGirl: I agree.

Uhura: (nodds approvingly) Another feminist. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Kirk: Well, I'm for women following orders and not insulting their SUPERIOR OFFICERS!

Doctor Death: I'm for ZAPPING PRISONERS IF THEY'RE NOT QUIET WITH MY REALLY SCARY-LOOKING GUN! (Turns and points it at all the people in the cage)

McCoy: I don't think that's a good cause.

Chekov: In Russia—

Doctor Death: (holds up a hand) I've decided that I can't possibly get anything done with this machine in my current condition.

Sulu: What's your current condition?

Doctor Death: EXTREMELY STRESSED!

Uhura: I know a good therapist—

Doctor Death: So I'm going to go meditate for a while. Just stay right where you are. (blinks) oh yeah. You can't leave because you're in a cage. Muahahahaha!

McCoy: You're too kind.

Doctor Death: Just be happy I supplied you with an excellent view for my soon-to-be glorious masterpiece. Ta ta.

Narrator: Doctor Death leaves the room. At the exact second he shuts the door behind him, another door opens and the little clones come pouring out.

Kirk: Hey, it's those dorky kids.

Snodgrass & Red-shirt 1: We're saved!

Kirk: (laughs) What, you actually expect those kids to help?

Pearlgirl: (squeals) Oooh, Uhura's clone looks so cute with those hair clips in! (walks right through cage bars and over to Little Uhura)

Little Uhura: Look, I did Pearlgirl's hair!

Little Pearlgirl: (comes over) Look at me! Aren't I adorable?

Alania: (to Little Alania) So, did you get any cheese?

Little Alania: (shakes head) No, Spock just wanted for us to come back here.

Alania: Oh. Well, I have some left over that you can have. (She walks through the cage bars and over to Little Alania, and gives her some cheese.)

Kirk: (blinks) Hey, wait a minute! You two Authors can walk through the cage bars!

Alania: Well, yeah. We're the Authors, aren't we? We're omnipotent.

Kirk: (hurriedly) Well, if you can do that, then you must be able to get _us_ out!

Alania: (isn't listening; to Little Alania) Do you like that cheese?

Little Alania: (nods) It's yummy.

Kirk: Hey, are you listening to me! Let us out!

Narrator: The Authors still aren't listening to him. Pearlgirl is squealing over her and Uhura's clones, and Alania is looking at the cloning machine.

Alania: Oooh, look at all the levers.

**We'll probably be able to update before too long, seeing as it's Christmas Break and all. Please leave a review before you go!**


	12. The Return of the Metal Beam

**First post of 2006. Happy New Year everyone!**

Narrator: Most of the clones are wandering aimlessly around the room. My clone is pouting in a corner over not being allowed to narrate. Little Doctor Death is still playing quietly with his chemistry set—until, that is, Little Chekov wanders aimlessly over and trips over it, knocking it over.

Little Doctor Death: Hey! Watch it! (suddenly notices the other clones) Hey, you're not supposed to be out! I'm telling Big Doctor Death!

Little Kirk: (walks over) You can't do that.

Little Doctor Death: Why not?

Little Kirk: 'Cause I'll punch your lights out, that's why not.

Little Doctor Death: (smirks) I'm not scared of you.

Little Kirk: (makes a fist) Oh yeah? You should be.

Little Alania: (comes over) Hey, hey. Don't fight. It's not nice.

Little Kirk: But he's gonna tell on us that we escaped!

Little Alania: Oh yeah? Well, I can make him keep his mouth shut!

Little Kirk: How?

Little Alania: (proudly) I'm an Author, that's how!

Little Kirk: But you're just a little Author! The big Authors control the story.

Little Alania: (smugly) It doesn't matter. I'm still an Author; I bet I can keep Little Doctor Death from talking. Ummm... (thinks for a minute) Okay. (snaps fingers) There!

Little Kirk: Did it work?

Little Doctor Death: (tries to talk but can't)

Little Alania: Hah, it did work! (singing) I'm aa-an Author! I can control the sto-reee!

Little Sulu: Hey, let me try! I want some ice cream! (snaps fingers; nothing happens) No fair!

Kirk: Hey, instead of wishing for ice cream, why don't you try to get us out?

McCoy: Yeah, we could use a little help!

Spock: My clone could make a cutting torch out of some of the cloning machine's wires.

McCoy: (rolls eyes) Of course, _your_ clone could do it! What about my clone? I was just as good when I was a kid as you were!

Spock: I'm sure our clones could work together to make something hot enough to melt the bars of our cage.

McCoy: My clone doesn't need your clone! He can do it all by himself! Right, Lenny?

Little McCoy: (blinks) Bars melt?

Little Kirk: Oh course they melt, stupid! You know when you hold a Kit Kat Bar in your hand for too long? It gets hot and your hands get brown stuff on them.

Little Uhura: Ewwwww. Melted chocolate is gross and sticky.

Chekov: In Russia, kids get the finest education. My clone could surpass all of yours in mental brilliance.

Sulu: (says something in Japanese to his clone, who laughs and looks at Chekov)

Chekov: (glares) What did you say, Hikaru?

Sulu: I guess in Russia, foreign languages aren't a priority.

Chekov: Who'd want to learn Japanese?

Kirk: ATTENTION! (everyone stands still and looks at Kirk) Jimmy, go find a way to get us out of here! NOW! Otherwise, I'll give you a bath!

Little Kirk: Noooo! Not a bath! (runs out door)

Narrator: The little clones all follow, except for Little Doctor Death, who still can't talk.

McCoy: Good. Those idiot kids are gone!

Spock: It was most illogical, Captain, to send away our only hope of escape. My clone could have constructed a crude welding torch and gotten us out.

McCoy: Humph. Your clone this, your clone that. Well, my clone could... ummm... (thinks) He could...

Spock: Your point is, Doctor?

Kirk: (trying to change the subject) Hey look! This cage is locked!

McCoy: (looks at him strangely) What, did you think we were staying in here voluntarily?

Kirk: No, no, I was just looking at this lock... it's the kind that needs a key. Is there any way we could get it open?

Sulu: Well, we could use a lock-pick.

Kirk: Does anyone have a lock-pick?

(pause)

Kirk: Don't tell me we didn't bring a lock-pick! We really ought to be more prepared when we go on these missions.

McCoy: Well, we usually assume that we would be able to burn through the bars of any cage with our phasers.

Kirk: Oh.

Alania: (digging around in some of Doctor Death's junk) Hey look! It's a computer!

Pearlgirl: (comes over) Turn it on! Does it have internet connection?

Alania: It won't start up.

Pearlgirl: Here, I know how to make it work. This is a method that never fails.

Narrator: Pearlgirl kicks the computer. The screen flickers for a moment and then it stays on.

Alania: Wow. Incredible. (clicks something with mouse; disappointed) Nope, no internet. But look! It has Minesweeper!

Pearlgirl: (rolls eyes) Oh boy.

Little Doctor Death: (tries to say something but can't)

PearlGirl: He's still mute. That clone of yours is a good Author!

Alania: (smiles) Thank you. I was talented at a young age.

PearlGirl: But I was the best at playing Barbies, you must admit.

Little Narrator: I'm going to talk about the clones now! They're walking around the building, looking for something to break the bars with.

Little Kirk: Quick, let's find something! I don't want to have a baaaaaaath.

Little Spock: Why do you dread being washed?

Little Kirk: Because... uh... they're icky! And sometimes I get soap in my eyes!

Little Spock: I see.

Little McCoy: I bet you don't see! I bet Vulcans _like_ baths!

Little Spock: I do not dread being cleaned.

Little Sulu: I like being dirty!

Little Chekov: I have to wash my face. Otherwise, I get pimples.

Little Uhura: I doubt it's possible for you to be any more pimply than you are now.

Little Snodgrass: I'm afraid I'll drown in the tub.

Little PearlGirl: I get to play with my Tanning Barbie. If you get her wet, her skin turns brownish.

Little Alania: Baths stink.

Little Spock: It is impossible for any of them to give you a bath, seeing as they are currently in a cage.

Little Narrator: The little clones blink for a second. Then Little Kirk spots a beam laying in one of the rooms.

Little Kirk: That looks like a beam from a transporter room. I know all about starship transporter rooms. (smiles) I've got… what that word again? Intelligimance?

Little Spock: (raises eyebrow) Intelligence.

Little Kirk: I know that because I've got intelligence!

Little Sulu: Let's use the beam to smash open the cage. That's what Mighty Marvo does in the comic books!

Little Kirk: Mighty Marvo is a wimp compared to me!

Little Uhura: I read about Wonder Women. She defeats evil, gross spiders without messing up her hair.

Little Sulu: Wonder Woman is a sissy.

Little Spock: I believe with the right amount of force, the impact from this blunt object has a 87 chance of bending the cage bars.

Little McCoy: None of us speak Vulcan! Talk in English!

Little Spock: (raises eyebrow) That was English.

Little Kirk: He said that if we use the Force, the beam will break the cage door.

Little Chekov: Is anyone here a Jedi? I can't use the Force.

Little Alania: I bet _I_ could. All you have to do is "let go of your feelings."

Little McCoy: That's easy for Spock!

Little Kirk: Okay, Spock! Let go of your feelings and pick up the beam with the Force!

Little Spock: I have no feelings to let go of, but I will need everyone's assistance to lift the beam.

Little McCoy: Ha! He can't use the Force!

Little Spock: I am unsure to which "Force" you are referring. Could you perhaps explain?

Little McCoy: Haha, we've discovered something that Spock doesn't know!

Little Kirk: The Force is from Star Wars. It—

Little McCoy: (puts hand over Little Kirk's mouth) Don't tell him, then he would know everything!

Little Narrator: Maybe we should get back to the task at hand.

Little Sulu: Right. Moving the beam.

Little McCoy: Well, it looks like we can't use the Force. So how will we do it?

Little Alania: Ooh! Ooh! I know!

Little Sulu: What?

Little Alania: I'll use my amazing Author powers to lift the beam. (smugly) That's even better than the Force.

Little Pearlgirl: No, let me use Author-powers! You already had your turn!

Little Alania: But I'm better at it than you!

Little Pearlgirl: No you're not! I'm just as good as you.

Little Alania: And anyway, it was _my_ idea.

Little Pearlgirl: SO! (starts to cry) I... want... to... have... a... tuuuurrnnnnnn!

Little Uhura: (nervously) Maybe you ought to let her do it...

Little Alania: (stubbornly) No. I'm not going to.

Little Kirk: All right, then do it then, if you're so good at it.

Little Alania: All right, all right, don't rush me.

Little Narrator: Little Alania walks up to the beam and looks at it.

Little Chekov: What are you waiting for?

Little Alania: (looks at him disdainfully) Using Author powers isn't like picking your nose, you know.

Little Chekov: How do you know? Have you ever tried picking your nose?

Little Alania: (blushes; hastily) Of course not.

Little Pearlgirl: (stops crying) You do too—

Little Alania: (steps on Little Pearlgirl's foot) Be quiet! What do _you_ know?

Little Pearlgirl: (screams) Owwww!

Little Kirk: (talking loudly to be heard over Little Pearlgirl's screams) Uhh, maybe you should leave your sister alone, Alania—

Little Alania: Don't call me Alania! From now on I will be addressed as, "Your Highness, the Great and Exalted Author"!

Little McCoy: You can't do that! The big Authors are in control of the story, not you!

Little Alania: Humph. Well, I should be. I'd do a better job of it.

Little McCoy: Look, can you just lift the beam already!

Little Alania: (sulkily) All right, fine.

Little Narrator: She snaps her fingers, but nothing happens.

Little Kirk: Why didn't it work? I thought you said you could do it.

Little Alania: Err, umm, I can! Let me try again!

Little McCoy: I think she needs some more practice.

**Gasp Will the clones be able to rescue the _Enterprise_ crew from the cage! Oh, the suspense!**


	13. The Randomness Continues

**We have a slightly-longer-than-usual chapter for you this time. Enjoy!**

Narrator: If you will recall, when we left off last the clones were attempting to figure out a way to move the metal beam that they found.

Little Spock: Perhaps we should simply carry it. There are ten of us here; that should supply us with the needed strength to lift the beam.

Little Uhura: I don't want to carry a rusting beam! It'll chip my fingernail.

Little Alania: No, I can lift it! Really!

Little Kirk: No, I can lift the beam! All by myself.

Little McCoy: Ha! Yeah right. Go ahead and try.

Little Narrator: Jimmy goes over to the beam and tries to lift it. Beads of sweat form on his forehead. He grunts a few times, and takes deep breaths. Then he—

Little McCoy: You don't have to go into so much detail.

Little Sulu: Looks like you need help from Karate-Man Hikaru!

Little Narrator: All the clones help to lift the beam.

Little Snodgrass: Why am I in front? I don't know where we're going!

Little Kirk: Just walk straight, you moron!

Little Narrator: Eugene bumps into a wall.

Little Snodgrass: Owwww! My toe!

Little Kirk: I should be in front!

Little Chekov: (licks beam) This tastes kinda sweet.

Little Uhura: Ewwwww! That's sooooo gross!

Little Alania: Let's go! Eugene, just walk down the hall!

Little Snodgrass: Okay.

Little Narrator: The clones begin marching with the beam in a single file line. They keep bumping into each other and tripping, except for Spock's clone, who walks calmly at the rear.

Little Alania: Let's sing a marching song! (sings) The ants are marching one by one hurrah! Hurrah!

Little Spock: There are no ants or any other insect life except for gnats on this planet.

Little Sulu: I don't know. Uhura looks like a bug to me!

Little Uhura: (lets go of beam, slaps Little Sulu) You can't talk that way to me! I'm a lady!

Little Sulu: (sticks out tongue) No you're not! You're just a girl! And you have cooties!

Little Uhura: I do not!

Little Sulu: (singing) Uhura has cooties! Nah nah nah nah nah!

Little Uhura: (covering her ears) Make him stop!

Little Pearlgirl: What's a cootie?

Little Sulu: I don't know. But all girls have them!

Little Pearlgirl: (crying) No we don't!

Little Alania: It's boys that have cooties!

Little Narrator: By now everybody has set the beam down and they have forgotten about carrying it.

Little Chekov: Cooties sound yummy.

Little Sulu: You don't eat cooties! That's gross! ...I wonder how they taste, though?

Little Snodgrass: (nervous) I don't have cooties, do I? What's a cootie? Do they hurt?

Little Sulu: They're the most grossest things in the galaxy. And if you touch someone who has them, then you catch them too. Except for girls; they're born with them.

Little Uhura: We are not! Make him stop saying that!

Little McCoy: What about Vulcans? Are they born with cooties?

Little Spock: I am uncertain of what exactly a cootie is, but I highly doubt that Vulcans "have" them.

Little McCoy: Hah, you're just saying that! (yelling) Spock has cooties! Spock has cooties!

Little Sulu: Uhura has cooties! Uhura has cooties!

Little Uhura: (crying) No I don't! Make him stop!

Little Kirk: (walks up to Little Sulu) Stop it. You shouldn't be mean to ladies.

Little Uhura: See? He told you to stop it.

Little Sulu: Make me.

Little Kirk: (pushes Little Sulu) I'm the captain, so you have to do what I say!

Little Sulu: Hmmph. All right, fine.

Little Kirk: All right, everyone back to their places! Pick up the beam, and let's go!

Little Narrator: They are all picking up the beam to keep carrying it.

Little Uhura: You're not helping to carry it.

Little Narrator: (smugly) I'm the Narrator. My job is to narrate. I don't need to help carry things.

Little Uhura: (to Little Kirk) Make him help!

Little Kirk: (shakes head) No, we need him to narrate.

Little Uhura: What about me? Do you need me for something?

Little Kirk: Yeah, we need you to help carry the beam.

Little Uhura: Hmmph. (sticks out tongue at Little Narrator)

Little Narrator: Finally, after much tripping and stumbling, especially on Eugene's part, they reach the room where the adult Starfleet officers are caged in.

Little Kirk: Ta da! We can break the cage bars with this!

McCoy: That's the best your clone could come up with, Jim? A _beam_? They can hardly lift it! How are they going to break hard bars that are made of... of...

Little Spock: 64 iron, 21 steel, 10 bronze, 3.5 copper and 1 nickel.

Spock: 1.5 nickel.

Little Spock: (pauses for a minute and stares at bars) I was mistaken. It is 1.5 nickel.

McCoy: Whatever. How are they going to break those mostly iron bars?

Snodgrass: Maybe if my clone didn't help…

Little Snodgrass: Good idea!

McCoy: Even without him in the way, they're still not going to be able to do it!

Spock: Vulcans are stronger then humans, Doctor. I believe they could manage it. The bars aren't made of many durable materials.

McCoy: Sure, with _your_ clone helping. What is my clone? Chopped liver?

Spock: No, you are not chopped liver, and nor is your clone. You are a doctor, as you so frequently point out.

McCoy: It's an expression, Spock.

Spock: Humans have many illogical expressions. I suppose it's because they are so emotional, so they need to express their emotions in illogical ways.

McCoy: Humans aren't emotional! You're just _un_emotional!

Spock: So if humans are not emotional, nor are they unemotional, what are they?

McCoy: (pauses; firmly) Better then Vulcans, that's what they are.

Kirk: Just give the clones a chance, Bones. I bet they can do it!

Spock: The chance of success is 87.4028—

Little Kirk: CHARGE!

Narrator: The clones race toward the cage carrying the beam. Little Snodgrass trips and is tripped over by Little Sulu, who is tripped over by Little Uhura, who is tripped over by Little PearlGirl, etc. Fortunately, when they trip, they let go of the beam. This force causes it to fly at the bars, ram against them, and shatter four of them.

Chekov: Een Russia, we make better, more stable cages.

Sulu: I'm glad we're not in Russia.

Narrator: Just when things are looking happy, Doctor Death bursts into the room.

Doctor Death: Muahahahahaha! Don't think you've escaped! (points big gun thing at them) I still happen to have my blaster 200000!

McCoy & Little McCoy: Great, just great.

Spock & Little Spock: I fail to see what is "great" about our current situation.

Kirk & Little Kirk: (sigh) It's an expression, Spock.

Doctor Death: Wow, that was interesting. Anyway, where's _my_ clone?

Little Doctor Death: (tries to talk but can't)

Doctor Death: Did those stupid Authors mess around with your voice?

Little Doctor Death: (nods)

Doctor Death: Good. I hate crying little kids. Anyway, where _are_ the Authors?

PearlGirl: Hello, Death-y. How'd the meditation go?

Doctor Death: Pretty good. I figured out what was wrong with my machine!

Alania: What?

Doctor Death: I forgot to press the button labeled, "You Must Press This Button to Make the Machine Work Properly."

McCoy: (rolls eyes) Talk about a dysfunctional mad scientist.

Doctor Death: What was that?

McCoy: (hastily) Nothing.

Doctor Death: Good. I sure hope it was nothing... where were we?

Kirk: I think we were in the process of escaping.

Doctor Death: Oh, right. But wait; you can't escape now!

Kirk: Why not? (smugly) As you can see, we have already exited the cage you left us in.

Doctor Death: (more smugly) Yes, but you've forgotten that I still have my blaster 200000 which I can use to vaporize you into a million particles of... vapor.

Kirk: (even more smugly) Maybe, but we still have... (to McCoy) what do we have?

McCoy: (shrugs) We have the beam.

Sulu: You know, there's something familiar about that beam.

Chekov: Eet looks like ze ones in ze transporter room.

McCoy: You know, I think it's the same beam that Uhura ripped out of the floor of the transporter room the last time we came to this planet.

Uhura: (looks at beam) Whaddaya know, it is. (picks up beam) It's been rather useful, hasn't it?

Doctor Death: (laughs maniacally) FOOLS! A metal BEAM is no use against my BLASTER! Get back in the cage NOW! My cloning machine is fixed; I can finally make some quality clones!

Kirk: (getting back in cage) You know, you're an unusual sort of villain. I never thought I'd meet a villain who didn't want to take over the _Enterprise._

Doctor Death: _Enterprise_? What's that?

Chekov: That's the ship you sent the fake distress call to.

Doctor Death: Ohhhhh. What's so great about it?

Kirk: (raising his voice) What's so GREAT about it! Did you just ask what's so _great_ about it? I can't believe you asked that! Spock, can you believe he asked that? 

Spock: Yes, because I heard him ask that question.

McCoy: (snickers) With your pointy ears.

Spock: That is correct, Doctor. I did hear him with my ears, which are in fact pointed.

Kirk: (smugly) I guess I'd better tell you what's so great about the _Enterprise_. She's the BEST SHIP IN THE QUADRANT! In fact, alllllll of Starfleet! She can reach warp 8, if she has to! Her dilithium crystals are 95 pure, aaaannnnddd I've never had to replace a single one! Her hull is a beautiful silver sheen and she has a wonderful, comfy, captain's chair! She has—

Narrator: As Kirk rambles on, a glint appears in Doctor Death's eye. It grows and soon becomes a greedy light that McCoy notices.

McCoy: Psst. Jim. Be quiet.

Kirk: I'm not done yet! Plus, she's got 197 bathrooms and—

Sulu: Wow, I didn't know we had that many bathrooms.

Chekov: Keptin, maybe we shouldn't be telling a mad scientist why he should take ower our ship.

Kirk: He wouldn't dare! The only way he could manage to take over a ship as great as the _Enterprise_ is by threatening to shoot all the bridge crew if they don't take him aboard.

McCoy: Jim?

Kirk: Yes?

McCoy: Stop talking. Now.

Doctor Death: Change of plans. I'm not going to clone you. Not yet.

Kirk: What are you going to do?

Doctor Death: I'm going to... (dramatic pause) TAKE OVER THE _ENTERPRISE_! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Kirk: (gasps) You wouldn't dare!

Doctor Death: Oh yes I would. (waves gun threateningly) Take me to the _Enterprise_, or I'll shoot you all.

Kirk: How? We don't have our communicators...

Doctor Death: We'll go in my shuttlecraft.

Kirk: Oh.

Doctor Death: (waves gun) All right, all of you start walking. We're going to the shuttle bay.

McCoy: What about the clones?

Doctor Death: I'll shut them back in the maze... or on second thought, why bother? I'll soon have control of the _Enterprise_, and then I can throw them into the brig! (dreamily) You know, I've always wanted to throw someone into the brig. (snaps out of dreamy expression) Anyway, they can come too.

Kirk: What about the Authors?

Doctor Death: Authors? Huh?

Narrator: Doctor Death looks over at the two Authors, who are crouched over a computer in a corner arguing over something.

Pearlgirl: Hey, look! It's a French Galleon! Sink it with your Privateer!

Alania: Are you kidding? Privateers only have half the firepower of a Galleon. Plus I'm carrying some cotton.

Pearlgirl: But you would have had the attack bonus! You could have destroyed it!

Alania: Yeah, or I could have lost my one remaining Privateer, just like I lost my other one when you told me to use it to attack that Frigate!

Doctor Death: Hmmmmmm. The only reason I wanted them here was to make evil clones of them. Then I could use the clones to get revenge on you. But taking over your ship is an even more evil! And, it's colder.

Chekov: Huh? Colder? Don't you mean cooler?

Doctor Death: Haven't you heard of the old Klingon proverb, "Revenge is a dish that is best served cold"? (waves gun) Go through the door that says Shuttle Bay! All of you! Time to visit your little ship! (cackles evilly)

**Dun dun dunnnn! The suspense! How will our heroes escape this time! You may find out… if you leave a review.**


	14. That's All, Folks!

**Well, here goes: the final chapter. Thanks to everyone who has given us reviews… except for the flamer Karina 155. You know, it's kind of ironic that we're being accused of writing incoherently by someone who can't even spell the word "coherent".**

Narrator: The clones and officers go through the door ahead of Doctor Death. They enter a shuttle bay with one broken-down shuttlecraft.

McCoy: Lovely. Looks like it was made by insane Romulans.

Uhura: Have you ever seen a Romulan that wasn't insane?

Chekov: Russian shuttlecrafts are much more sturdy.

Doctor Death: Now, open the door and climb in!

Narrator: Sulu goes over and struggles with the door handle for a little bit.

Sulu: It's stuck!

Little Doctor Death: (tries to say something but can't)

Doctor Death: You imbecile! Let me do it!

Narrator: Doctor Death pushes Sulu aside and shoots the door handle with his gun. It vaporizes instantly. Then, Spock quickly walks forward and nerve-pinches Doctor Death while his back is to him. He falls unconscious. Then Little Spock does the same to Little Doctor Death.

Kirk: Good job, Spock!

McCoy: (mimicking) Good job, Spock. (rolls eyes) How come he always gets the credit when we defeat an evil villain?

Kirk: Well, Bones, he did just single-handedly put Doctor Death out of action.

McCoy: That's beside the point.

Spock: Then what, exactly, is the point?

McCoy: Ummm... (thinks) Why don't you get back to me on that?

Kirk: Okay, men! We've—

Uhura: (hits Kirk with beam) I'm a woman, you nitwit!

Kirk: (rubs head) All right, sorry. Where was I? Oh yes. Okay, men... err... people, we've defeated Doctor Death! Now we need to worry about getting back to the _Enterprise_...

Sulu: Well, we could take this shuttlecraft... it is just kind of sitting here.

Kirk: Be quiet, Mr. Sulu. Lieutenants aren't allowed to think of anything that hasn't been thought of by the captain.

Sulu: (rolls eyes) All right, _Captain_, what is your ingenious plan?

Kirk: Hmm… (thinks) Well, I'd say we ought to fly this shuttle craft back to the _Enterprise_.

Sulu: (sarcastically) The man's a genius.

Kirk: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go! We might as well take the clones, too. And Doctor Death; he has an urgent appointment with the brig.

Chekov: What about Little Doctor Death?

Kirk: Hmmmm. We could send him to school. Maybe he'll learn the error of his ways.

McCoy: I doubt it. Bad guys will be bad guys.

Little PearlGirl: I don't want to go into an icky shuttlecraft! Waaaahhhh!

Little Alania: We'll stay behind. She's being such a fussy-face.

Little Uhura: Okay. Bye!

Narrator: They all get into the shuttlecraft except for the Authors' clones. Kirk finds the most comfy chair and immediately sits down in it.

Kirk: This is my chair. Sulu and Chekov can steer. Spock can sit next to them. Bones, you'll have to share a seat with Spock. Or you can stand.

McCoy: I'll stand.

Kirk: The clones and red-shirts get the pleasure of sitting on the floor by my feet.

Little Kirk: What? I should get a captain's chair!

Little Spock: Shuttlecrafts do not contain captains' chairs.

Kirk: Uhura, you have a difficult choice to make.

Uhura: And what's that?

Kirk: Whether you want the pleasure of sitting with the clones, or standing with McCoy.

Uhura: What? I'm not sitting on some dingy floor! I guess I'll have to stand.

Kirk: Excellent choice. Now, take us out, Mister Sulu!

Chekov: Fine. Let the lieutenant do eet! What about me? I'm Russian!

Narrator: Sulu presses some buttons and the shuttlecraft begins to shake. Then it slowly lifts up and begins to fly. Spock opens the shuttlebay doors and they fly out into space.

Kirk: I can see the _Enterprise_! Isn't she a beauty?

McCoy: I can't wait to get back! This shaking is making me sick!

Snodgrass: I'm glad we're not using the transporter. They're dangerous to red-shirts. Shuttlecrafts are much more safe.

Narrator: Suddenly, Sulu's console explodes.

Sulu: Stupid, lousy, broken-down control panel! (sees a sticker underneath the burning panel) Hey, it says "Made in Russia"!

Chekov: What! No eet doesn't!

Sulu: Yes it does. Look!

Chekov: (looks at sticker) Humph. I don't believe eet. Russian ships are always the best.

Sulu: You just go ahead and believe that if it'll make you feel better. Hey, you don't need to kick me about it! It's not my fault the Russians made this cruddy shuttle.

Kirk: Is something going on up there, Mr. Sulu?

Sulu: (turns to look at Kirk) No, sir.

McCoy: (nervously) Um, Sulu, maybe it would be better if you'd keep your eyes on the screen, so you can concentrate on steering...?

Sulu: (confidently) Don't worry about it; I've been flying shuttlecrafts like this one since I was five.

Spock: It is not legal in the Federation to fly a shuttlecraft before the age of sixteen.

Sulu: Oh, really? Heh heh. Whaddaya know.

McCoy: Sulu, look out! You're about to crash into the _Enterprise_!

Sulu: (turns quickly) Uh oh.

Narrator: Sulu quickly manipulates the steering controls and manages to avoid a crash, though the shuttle does bump into the _Enterprise_ and leave a long scratch in her.

Kirk: (angrily) Mr. Sulu, you just scratched the _Enterprise_! You'll pay for this!

Narrator: Suddenly, Scotty's voice is heard through the shuttlecraft's communications system.

Scotty: Who are you in the shuttlecraft? I'll get you! You scratched me ship!

Kirk: It's us, Scotty.

Scotty: Oh. Hello, Captain. You were gone a long time. I'll open the shuttle bay doors.

Narrator: The doors open and Chekov and Sulu manage to steer into the bay and land.

Sulu: We made it!

Narrator: Suddenly, the shuttlecraft's controls go dead.

McCoy: I think it died.

Uhura: At least we made it into the shuttle bay. If not, I would have strangled the men who are flying this heap of junk.

Red-shirt 1: I survived! I don't believe it! Eight other red-shirts died on this mission, but I didn't! Yesss!

Narrator: At that moment a large cement block falls from the ceiling and kills Red-shirt 1.

Kirk: Well, that takes care of that red-shirt. (looks at Snodgrass, sighs) We managed to get rid of all of the red-shirts... except for this one.

Narrator: They leave the ship and meet Scotty up on the bridge. Spock carries the still-unconscious Doctor Death and Little Spock carries Little Doctor Death.

Scotty: I'm glad you came back, Captain. You've been gone a long time.

Kirk: (looking out at the view screen) I'll be glad to leave this lousy solar system. (blinks) Why is a Klingon Bird-of-Prey decloaking to our right?

Ensign at Spock's console: Captain! Klingon Bird-of-Prey decloacking to our right!

Kirk: All right; all of you ensigns get out of here! The _real_ officers will handle this! Of course, you can stay if you want to come on our next away mission.

Narrator: The red-shirted ensigns flee. Spock, Uhura, Chekov and Sulu take their normal positions. Their clones follow them, looking at the computer consoles.

Uhura: The Klingons are hailing us.

Kirk & Little Kirk: On screen!

Kirk: (glares at little Kirk) I'm the captain here!

Narrator: Khan's face appears on the screen.

All: KHHHAAAANNN!

Doctor Death: (wakes up; blinks) Did I miss something?

Kirk: (to Khan) So. It's you. I suppose you're back for revenge again, as always. (blinks) Wait a minute. I thought we killed you last time.

Khan: (shrugs) The Authors decided to bring me back. Does it really matter that much?

Kirk: Yes, if you're planning to kill me and take over my ship.

Khan: Actually, that's not the reason I'm here. I wanted to speak to a certain Doctor Death who I believe is on your ship.

Doctor Death: (stands up) That would be me. (importantly) Can you make this quick? I was just in the process of taking over this ship.

Narrator: There are three security guards pointing their phasers at Doctor Death. Khan raises his eyebrows.

Khan: I see. Anyway, I just wanted to notify you that you've been voted the official Villain of the Year. The award ceremony is tomorrow on Risa.

Doctor Death: (excited) Really? Villain of the Year? That's been my lifelong dream! Do I get to make a speech?

Kirk: Sure. After you've stood trial on Earth and completed your sentence.

Doctor Death: What? But—can't I at least go to the award ceremony tomorrow? Please?

Kirk: (shakes head) I'm sure they'll be able to postpone it for twenty years or so. (to security guards) Take him to the brig.

Narrator: The guards drag off Doctor Death.

Khan: (frowning) That's really too bad... oh well. I guess I should be going now.

Kirk: Are you sure you don't want revenge?

McCoy: (kicks Kirk) We don't need any more excitement today.

Khan: Now isn't a good time. I've got to see about postponing the awards ceremony. Maybe they'll just award it to me instead. (smiles)

Narrator: The view screen switches to show the Klingon ship disappear under its cloaking device.

McCoy: So, what do we do with the clones?

Kirk: They can go to Kindergarten. I believe some lieutenant is teaching a class on the _Enterprise_ for little kids. Maybe Little Doctor Death will be able to grow up into something other then a mad scientist.

Little Doctor Death: (tries to say something but can't)

McCoy: Oh yeah, he's still mute.

Kirk: Bye, Jimmy. The guards will take you to Kindergarten.

Little Kirk: I don't want to go to school! I'm a starship captain!

Sulu: Keep practicing that Karate, Hikaru!

Little Sulu: Hi yah! (chops a hole in Uhura's control panel)

Uhura: I'll come visit you, Little Me.

Little Uhura: (flips pigtails) Okay. I'll make sure the Kindergarten has enough girls to keep it from being chaotic.

McCoy: I heard they have some teddy bears that need serious surgery, Lenny.

Little McCoy: Cool!

Spock: I am sure the teachers will provide you with a computer to simulate experiments on, Spock. I would recommend light wave particle experiments. They are quite fascinating.

Little Spock: (nods) I will bear that in mind.

Chekov: Try to lose the pimples, Pav.

Little Chekov: I hope they have Play-Doh in Kindergarten.

Little Sulu: If they do, I hope they hide it. You'd eat it all!

Little Chekov: (defensively) So? It's good. You should try Play-Doh sometime.

Snodgrass: Umm, see you later, Eugene. Try not to cause too many disasters.

Little Snodgrass: Huh? What's happening? Where are we going?

Snodgrass: On the other hand, maybe that's too much to ask.

Little Narrator: What about me?

Kirk: You can go to Kindergarten too. Maybe they'll teach you to be a better narrator.

Little Narrator: Humph. I think I'm a good narrator already.

Narrator: There's always room for improvement.

Kirk: Um, you. Red-shirt.

Snodgrass: It's Snodgrass.

Kirk: Yeah, whatever. Take these clones to Kindergarten.

Snodgrass: I don't know where it is.

Kirk: (rolls eyes, mutters about useless red-shirts) All right, I'll call a nameless lieutenant to come and get them.

Narrator: The nameless lieutenant comes and takes the clones away.

Kirk: Finally, those annoying clones are out from under my feet.

McCoy: I think I'm ready for a nice looooooong shore leave. It'll feel good to relax.

Kirk: I dunno, Bones. Shore leaves are dull. I'd rather be out boldly going where no man has gone before!

Uhura: There you go again! Men, men, men. You go where no _man_ has gone before, huh? What about women? Have _women_ gone there? Nobody cares!

McCoy: That's right. So be quiet.

Chekov: I think we should change it to "boldly going where no Russian has gone before". That has a nice ring to it.

Kirk: Come on, Mr. Sulu! Take us out there! There are new worlds to discover!

McCoy: Not that we can tell them apart. They all look like Earth.

Spock: Every planet has different rock formations, life and atmosphere. Perhaps you just are not perceptive, Doctor.

McCoy: Not perceptive? I'm perceptive enough to see that you're filled up to your pointy ears with logic!

Spock: That statement is most illogical.

Narrator: The scene changes to show the _Enterprise_ zooming off into space. McCoy's and Spock's argument can still be heard faintly. Then the music drowns them out. Suddenly, the scene changes to a view of Doctor Death's building on Baltan V.

PearlGirl: Great! Now all I've got is one colony and a lousy— (turns away from computer screen) Hey! Where'd they go?

Little Alania: (Comes into room) They left in the shuttlecraft.

Alania: If you hadn't started playing Colonization, our story wouldn't have gotten out of control!

PearlGirl: Hey, it's not my fault! _You_ found the computer!

Alania: But you—

Narrator: Why don't you two stop arguing so we can end the story?

PearlGirl: We're sisters. We have to argue.

Alania: It's in our job description.

Narrator: Then do it after the story, please.

Alania: All right, fine.

THE END

**That's all, folks! It's been fun. Please leave a review as you go ; )**


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